Why some of us hide our savings from our partner – and what we can do instead

Emotions such as fear, despair, guilt, shame, sadness and anger drive our behaviour with money. And we don’t talk money in our society. We’re pretty buttoned up about it, even with our other halves.

I’m a money coach, and I’ve spoken to plenty of people who are in long-term relationships, living together and sharing every moment with one another – but with no clue about what their partners earn.

That’s why it came as no surprise to me to read new research from the Building Societies Association, the team behind UK Savings Week, which has found people admitting to hiding savings from their partner.

Almost half (48 per cent) of all parents with children under the age of 18 admit to having a secret savings account, compared with 22 per cent of childfree couples.

According to the research, the number one reason parents and non-parents admit to hiding accounts from their partner is “to keep their own independence”. This was the reason given by 48 per cent of women and 30 per cent of men.

Those numbers tell an emotional story about how safe and secure people may feel in relationships. But there’s also a more practical story. Being in a relationship but having secret savings to maintain independence is a practical response to an emotional need. It’s understandable, even if you might not agree with it.

Other reasons for people – both parents and non-parents – hiding savings from their partner are “to use the money to surprise my partner/family”. Which seems nice if the surprise is something both parties want.

Others said “I don’t want them to know how much I’m saving and what for” and “I don’t want them to know how much I’m spending and what on”. These reasons shine a light on the fact that people fear being judged for their saving and spending habits.

Secret savings aside, the act of saving is key to building financial wellbeing – the sense of security and ease that comes with knowing you can pay your bills today, that you can deal with the unexpected, and that you’re on track for a healthy financial future.

Or, to paraphrase my clients: “I want to stop stressing about money. I want to know I have enough money to live well – now and in future”.

The nation’s biggest savings goals are to build a rainy-day fund to cover unexpected costs, followed by saving for holidays and later life.

But, according to research, some 14 million people in the UK have less than £100 in savings. It found that 60 per cent of people who don’t have any savings struggle because they don’t have the spare money to save, which is understandable in the current climate.

A lack of money to fall back on leads to worry, anxiety, shame and guilt among non-savers. Having savings of even £100 or less leads to positive feelings of optimism, pride and a sense of achievement.

Here are a few practical tips for developing or restarting a savings habit.

Pay yourself first. Here’s what normally happens: you get paid, and then you pay your rent/mortgage, household bills. Maybe some fun stuff, and then come the savings. But oh wait – by that point, you find that there’s no money left over for savings.

Paying yourself first is a money-saving technique where, when you get paid, you set aside money for savings first, and everything else comes after.

Start where you are. What I mean by this is try not to get bogged down in thinking that if you can’t save a lot, there’s no point saving a little. After all, you need to save that first £1 to get to your first £100, £1,000, and so on. So, start small and repeat the action. That’s how to build a savings habit.

Plus, a key way to build self-confidence is to set goals and then achieve them, no matter how small they may be. Doing so builds that sense of “I can do it because I’ve already done it”. This is true for saving, for budgeting, and for life in general.

In terms of how much to save, you’ve probably heard that having savings put aside to cover your monthly outgoings for three to six months is a good safety net. This can be good to aim for.

And finally, you haven’t failed if you’ve needed to spend your savings, which is a surprisingly common feeling. If you have savings that you’ve needed to use then guess what – they’ve worked as intended! Rebuild when you’re ready and able.