Britain is so ‘woke’, being an enraged, incoherent commentator is now a full-time job

Many industries have struggled to survive this last year, but luckily one has thrived. It’s doing so well, I imagine careers advisers now say to school leavers: “Maybe you could become an enraged, incoherent, right-wing commentator. There are thousands of openings, I’ll give you a number to call.”

Within a few weeks, they could be on the radio, shouting: “Blind people are such a drain on our society. I took the trouble to learn to see and I didn’t get a free dog. The great British hero Nelson lost an eye, and he didn’t whinge that he couldn’t get his ships to cross Trafalgar unless there were traffic lights with a computerised voice saying, “sail now”. He just got on with it. So the blind should have to earn their disability benefit by entertaining us, by using their sticks to poke the mentally ill in cages. I’ve HAD ENOUGH.”

The following week they’d be on Good Morning Britain and Radio 5 Live phone-ins, and on a show on Sunday morning called “Massive Enormous Issue”, arguing that the unemployed should be used to lie in the road as speed bumps, in a debate with Edwina Currie, the Bishop of Durham and Paul Gascoigne.

Then they’d be given a daily slot on radio called “The Absolute Truth”, in which they explain no one dares go out in Suffolk anymore because Saxmundham village square is under the control of radical Islam, and Cumbria District Council has had to give Lake Windermere to refugees, so they have somewhere to keep all their dinghies.

Eventually they’d be asked to commentate on the Champions League final, and then write a weekly column in three national newspapers in which they inform us they’re not allowed to say anything these days.

The problem is, as with any industry, there are always competitors trying to take your work. So a comedian will write a column in a newspaper, revealing how the “woke” liberal BBC have blacklisted him, because even though he’s done three gigs to a total of nine people, and his old history master at Oxford said he was “occasionally witty”, he still hasn’t been invited onto any panel shows or asked to host Antiques Roadshow.

Then it will turn out he hosts a YouTube channel, in which he wrongly argues coronavirus was made up by a mosque in Birmingham, and face coverings are only the first stage towards making us all wear a burqa.

So he’ll be asked onto Newsnight, to read out his essay called “Why the homeless should put their ability to sit outside in the rain to use, and be used as sandbags in flood areas so hard-working people with second homes don’t have their carpets ruined”.

But we can’t keep up with the demand for these people. An article in the Daily Telegraph this week told us Britain was now so “woke” that “Orwell’s Animal Farm was a utopia of rationality by comparison”. So this country, which is run by a Conservative Party that kicked out Michael Heseltine and Ken Clarke for being too liberal, is too liberal.

This must be why Priti Patel is such a hippy. She’s so scared of the “woke” people, she just goes on and on about how lovely refugees are, when I wouldn’t be surprised if she was quite conservative in real life.

The argument is that you can tell “woke” people are still in charge, because the Conservative Party is disliked by the young, so to stop this awful trend in which people are ordered what to think, we have to order them to think the Conservative Party is fluffy and delightful.

The “woke” epidemic has spread so far, the favourite to be appointed head of Ofcom, which oversees the BBC, is Paul Dacre, who was editor of the Daily Mail. He must be sick of all those years he was afraid to voice any Conservative opinions in the Daily Mail, but instead had to put one “woke” headline after another on the front page. At last he’ll be free to say what he really thinks.

Helpfully, the growth in shouty angriness is so widespread, it’s been copied by some of the left. If you suggest, on social media, that the left hasn’t been entirely successful in recent years, and maybe should try to do some things differently, you’ll almost certainly be told: “So you’ve gone right wing as well, you TRAITOR, eff off and join your friends in the Tory BBC and MI5 and the Kremlin and the mafia.”

The lockdown has probably added to this because not only are we not mixing with anyone who has different views, we’re not mixing with anyone at all. We’re becoming even more set in our ways than normal, so if someone suggests, “I agree with everything you say about politics and economics, but I put the milk in the cup BEFORE taking the teabag out,” that will end with you calling each scum-sucking fascists.

And if you’ve got the Brexit you want, and a Conservative government that includes Jacob Rees-Mogg and everything you could ever want, the fact there is still any opposition at all makes you so furious you think: “I could put up with a world run by animals who chant ‘four legs good, two legs bad’ every day, but the fact that there are still teachers who don’t like Iain Duncan-Smith is an affront to human existence.”

And you can see their point, because these days we’re so ruled by wokeness, if you use words like “piccaninnies”, and say Muslim women look like letter boxes, the only job you’re allowed to do is prime minister. It’s so unfair.