The woman who secretly filmed her husband’s parenting should leave him

I wasn’t surprised to see that the viral TikTok video posted by a woman completely fed up of picking up after her children – and her husband – had racked up more than 7m views. Why? Well, probably because it’s so relatable.

The footage, which was posted by a user named Lynalice (@5kids5catssomedogstoo), is accompanied by some all-too-telling hashtags: #divorce #parentingfail #messyhouse #whenwomen #depressionanxiety #clean #satifying. Filmed secretly in August, it shows a time lapse video of a woman tidying up scenes of complete devastation across various rooms in a house: messy toys, unmade beds, laundry bunched up on the floor, a towering pile of dirty dishes.

The text posted over the video explains that despite working 10 hour days, six days a week – with only one day off, because she was sick – her husband left every bit of the tidying and cleaning to her to deal with. And she was completely over it.

“While summer session was happening, my soon-to-be-ex-husband claimed he couldn’t watch the kids while he was focusing on homework,” she wrote. “Now that school is out for break, he doesn’t have that excuse anymore.

“Every single day after I’ve gotten home from work, I’ve been met with one disaster or another caused by inattentive parenting. Shampoo on the carpets in the girls’ room. Nail polish all over Nugget covers, hair and carpet. ALL of his attention has been focused on the four vehicles in our driveway that he wants to work on continuously.”

She admitted that it had made her desperate to leave him – as soon as she could afford to do so. “I wish so much that the housing economy wasn’t what it was here and I could afford to move out,” she said. “My soul aches without a place to feel safe and happy.”

If you’re surprised by her “extreme” reaction, you shouldn’t be. I would hazard that many (if not most) women in heterosexual relationships with men have at some time reached a point of frustration, verging on complete despair: because so many treat their wives like mothers – to the entire family.

Don’t believe me? Ask the heterosexual couples that you know who does the bulk of the housework. Who does the cooking, the cleaning, the childcare – even if both partners are in full-time employment? Who takes a day off work automatically when one of the kids is sick? Who does the unpaid “emotional labour” in the relationship: remembering birthdays, buying gifts, sending cards to family, arranging pick-ups for a party or playdate? Who sorts out the presents for Christmas? Who takes care of the social calendar, and the lifts to sports matches at the weekends?

Chances are that while there will be exceptions, these domestic duties mostly fall to women.

After all, during the pandemic it was found that women did the majority of the domestic labour in shared households, and while the time spent on domestic work increased for both men and women, “the increase and intensity of this work was far greater for women”.

In 2020, figures released by the Office of National Statistics showed that in households with children aged 18 or younger, women carried out 3 hours and 18 minutes of daily childcare duties – including feeding, washing and dressing their kids – on average during lockdown, compared to men, who only did 2 hours. This, despite battling similar pressures such as remote working and homeschooling.

According to a study published by the British Medical Journal in August 2021, researchers found that women all around the world take on three times more care and domestic work than men, “with women in low and middle income countries devoting more time to unpaid work than women in high income countries”.

So it’s not really a surprise that there’s a whole swathe of anecdotal evidence, too, of women complaining that they’re in relationships with men who behave like children – or, the unstoppable rise of the “manchild”.

To these women I would say one thing, and one thing only: If your husband is lazy around the house, leave him. I did.

My husband was good with the kids, but his complete lack of understanding about how mess affected my sense of wellbeing drove me over the point of no return.

No matter how often – and how calmly – I tried to explain how it made me feel chaotic and out of control to come home from work and be met with a sea of messy clothes, plates and toys, the dishwasher empty and every surface littered with dirty plates, he didn’t (or wouldn’t) do a thing to change it. It felt like he went the other way, and obstinately refused to tidy up because he knew it bothered me.

In the end, it killed our marriage. To me, it showed a complete lack of care – and I resented him for it. It made me feel invisible; like he wasn’t listening to me. I couldn’t handle his lack of empathy – or compassion. It made me feel like I had an extra child to look after. And there’s nothing less sexy or less romantically fulfilling than feeling like someone’s parent.

It may only be a few toys to you, but take heed: it could be your entire relationship on the floor, with nobody around to pick it up.