Adele’s ‘breakup energy’ is palpable. When we experience heartbreak, we are most ourselves

Adele’s comments about her separation from Simon Konecki made me reflect on why breakups present us with a unique opportunity to step into our authentic selves and lives.

Speaking to James Corden on his final Carpool Karaoke, she recalled how her mood had changed en route back from a happy holiday and how she had experienced “the first year where I felt like I had to hold myself accountable for being an adult.”

Once we emerge from the emotional rubble and chaos of an ending, I have always believed we possess a sort of febrile “breakup energy”. It is in these times spent newly single that I have discovered a richer appreciation for creativity, for friends, for life.

Music, colours, smells, sounds all take on a more vibrant hue. We stop taking the other parts of our lives for granted and find a renewed joy in them. Parts of ourselves that we had forgotten reawaken and emerge from the shadows once more. We smile at people, flirt, connect and communicate. We are somehow re-engaged with our sense of being human and alive.

Speaking on my podcast, The Breakup Monologues, last year, comedian Hal Cruttenden spoke about how much more he was embracing and enjoying every gig since his divorce.

Meanwhile, Zoe Lyons shared her story of separating from – and ultimately reconnecting with – her wife during the pandemic. It was such a brutally raw and stressful time that her hair fell out.

Her plans to be an independent strong woman living alone for the first time didn’t immediately go to plan when she “lost her s***” when the WiFi didn’t work at her sparsely-furnished new flat. Yet she says she would do it all over again if she had to, in order to get to the place of greater self-awareness that she has now found.

She and her wife Sindy found better ways to communicate – whereas previously, she notes they had merely been good at saying the words, “we are good at communicating aren’t we?”, without necessarily doing so.

Although I have never rekindled a relationship after a separation, I do see an evolution in my ability to be authentic in each successive partnership I’ve had. Each raw breakup has allowed me some valuable time for reflection about my insecurities, vulnerabilities and triggers.

For many of us, seeking out a therapist or some form of professional help can guide us in how to direct our newfound energy. The Australian comedian Celia Pacquola once did a routine likening her newly-single self to a fire hose detached from its hydrant and seeking to spray their love over the next and nearest possible recipient.

Yet if we reach out to the friends, family and community who will be compassionate enough to mop up our messiness, this could just be our very best – and most real –moment.

Rosie Wilby is a comedian and the author of The Breakup Monologues (Bloomsbury)