Don’t tell me Shamima Begum’s baby didn’t know what it was doing when it was conceived by a traitor

I hope Sajid Javid is careful with Shamima Begum, the Isis supporter he’s trying to keep out of the country. Because after Brexit we might be desperate for a trade deal with the Islamic caliphate, as it could be the only place we can import stuff from. And Begum may be the ideal trade secretary, as she’s lived in both places.

I expect Liam Fox will correct things soon, by announcing: “Shamima is one of several hundred of our young people who left here to fight in Syria, proving that Jihadis are yet another product we are successfully exporting at an impressive rate. I am proud to announce this morning I concluded a deal with the caliphate, for 35 more disillusioned teenagers from Birmingham, creating employment and showing once again that Britain is OPEN FOR BUSINESS.”

But home secretary Javid is spoiling relations by revoking Begum’s citizenship, so she can’t come back, even to stand trial. This leaves her without any state, so Javid has created a fascinating puzzle of what to do with her, and her week-old baby.

If he does compromise, I suppose he’ll say, “under international law, the pair are permitted in the earth’s atmosphere, as long as they don’t touch the ground. The baby can bounce in one of those dangly things you attach to a frame, and the mother will have to learn to hover. If she can’t levitate, she should have thought of that before she went round firing rockets.”

In any case, this is an Isis baby, gurgling hatred and squeezing out vile anti-western poo. Don’t tell me that baby didn’t know what it was doing when it was conceived by a traitor.

Begum has only ever been British, so if we can stop her being British because she’s done something horrible, this could create an intriguing international game.

Every time we don’t like someone who’s a convicted criminal, as soon as they leave the country we can tell them they’re not allowed back. Maybe there should be a public vote, live on television, so Dermot O’Leary will say “lines are now closed, and we’re going live to Barcelona, where Jeffrey Archer is about to find out whether he’s straight on the plane, or stateless in Spain”.

Javid insisted that Begum could apply to be Bangladeshi, although she’s never been there. This could be hugely popular, if we’re allowed to palm off people onto other countries like this. Piers Morgan could be told from now on he’s Libyan, and every year on that day we could all dance round a tree and eat trifle.

The trouble is, every other country would be able to do the same. So if a jihadi comes from Belgium, the Belgian government could select their new nationality, maybe at a ceremony, where they open an envelope saying, “the terrorist now belongs to”, then leaving a dramatic pause before calling out “Finland”.

As Javid believes it’s fair to insist a British jihadi must be the responsibility of Bangladesh, I’m sure he’d accept it’s also only fair if Bangladesh gives us one of their terrorists in return.

So they can take Begum, but as a swap they can send us Mad Dog Ahmed, insisting he’s now a citizen of Dorset and is therefore the responsibility of Lyme Regis Borough Council.

Hopefully we’ll be able to do this with all criminals, so even someone with six points on their driving license is sent to another country, if we can find somewhere with plenty of space to accommodate them all. Maybe Australia will help us out again.

The argument for keeping Begum out is that she’s a threat to our security. This is a strong point, because if she came back she’d have to stand trial, and if convicted of terrorist offences she’d have to go to a high security jail, where there would be nothing to stop her organising a holy jihad, except for a series of heavily armed guards outside her isolated cell.

But if she’s abroad, somewhere vaguely foreign, she won’t be able to get up to anything much, because once Isis supporters are abroad they pretty much keep themselves to themselves.

The legal profession seems to agree that Javid will lose this case in the courts, as they may not go along with the concept of Britain deciding unilaterally what country someone should belong to. So it could be that he’s trying to look tough, in order to win support from the Tory membership, who enjoy a minister who sounds a bit hard.

He might make more of these initiatives, insisting the unemployed replace lighthouses by standing on cliffs opening and closing their mouths while sucking a lit sparkler, or they get their benefits stopped.

Or he’ll announce “the time has come to leave chemistry’s periodic table. Why should Britain be dictated to by elements we have no say in?” Or that he wants to bring back hanging, not as a punishment but as after-dinner entertainment at Conservative Association buffet evenings.

He has no choice, if he wants to become leader, because the Conservative Party does appear to be moving towards a charming fondness for the 1850s. Ten years ago, Jacob Rees-Mogg wouldn’t have been taken seriously, but now he’s seen as perfectly reasonable, and Tories who want to win over the membership will have to be more Victorian than him.

So in a couple of weeks Javid will tell us that while Rees-Mogg may have never changed a nappy, he, on the other hand, locked his sister in the attic for 20 years for mispronouncing the Latin name for a crocus.