I've enjoyed the Southern Rail strike – it's turned Brighton station into Casablanca

Government ministers such as Chris Grayling and Anna Soubry have been furious this week about the railway strikes, saying: “These strikes INCONVENIENCE people.”

Their point seems to be that we all agree, in a fair society, everyone should be allowed to join a union, but we mustn’t let unions abuse that privilege by making any difference to anything.

Chris Grayling suggested we could ban transport strikes, which would be fair as the workforce could still protest, by doing a nice drawing. Maybe they could agree a designated time once a year when anyone who paid their union fees was allowed to pull a funny face.

If staff must strike, they have to find a way of doing it so that no one notices – through contemporary dance, for example. Instead of infuriating commuters, Aslef could book an arts centre in Camden and invite passengers to watch two train drivers from Southern Rail crawl round the stage wearing sparkly thongs. Programme notes from the General Secretary would explain: “This ground-breaking vital piece illustrates how our members on the London Bridge to Epsom line have been literally maltreated to the point of exasperation.”

The outrage over the train cancellations proves how hard the ministers work. Because the joy of Southern Rail is that, every day, so many of their trains are cancelled, to the extent they have more cancellations than on the rest of the railway put together. As Chris Grayling and Anna Soubry are so disgusted by cancelled trains, they must spend several hours every day yelling “these cancellations INCONVENIENCE people”, and we can only wonder why this never gets reported.

The line to Brighton is a particular gamble, and hundreds of people have moved house or left work as the trains are so gloriously unreliable. Brighton station is like Casablanca in the film, as everyone tries to find someone who may be able to offer a passage out, hoping a man in a fez at the back of a market stall may promise a donkey as far as Crawley for $3,000.

Many towns in Britain were built in the 1850s around the railway line, and it’s charming that this still happens. The difference now is that instead of a community developing as an area becomes accessible, commuters are stranded for so long when the engine’s conked out by a field in Sussex, they have no choice but to live there, and that’s how you get new towns like Burgess Hill.

If Graham Greene wrote Brighton Rock now, it would go: “Pinkie wondered whether the fellow members of his gang would be willing to use their flick-knives tonight against their rivals, the Colleoni gang. But the fight didn’t happen, as Pinkie was stuck outside Haywards Heath for two and a half hours due to a melted signal box.”

Most days the relationship passengers have with Southern Rail is like the anxiety of teenage love.

Sales clerks and accountants tell you: “I went round today as they promised they’d be ready to go at 8.26, but there was no one there so I waited and waited and after two hours they announced they were sorry but I could tell they didn’t mean it, then they said they’d be able to take me to London at 11.05 but at 12.15 I hadn’t heard anything so I sat by Upper Crust and sobbed into a tuna and mango sandwich.”

The company that owns Southern Rail is called Go-Ahead, and you have to admire the mischief in that. Next year they’ll rename themselves Gazelle, or Usain or Polly Punctual.

Last year Go-Ahead’s profits rose by 27 per cent to £99m, possibly because they’ve tapped into the modern way to increase profit margins for a train company, which is to not bother wasting money on having any trains.

Southern Rail has a delightful contract with the government, as unlike other rail companies, which are paid by the franchise according to how many trains they run, they’re paid a fixed amount no matter what the service is like. The government also pays the refunds to passengers whose trains are cancelled. I’ve never done a business studies course, but is that a good deal?

Maybe all contracts should be like that, so you pay a shop for clothes, then it’s up to the shopkeeper whether he can be bothered to give you any clothes, and if you complain the government sends you a skirt.

One man who’s trying to improve the situation is Peter Wilkinson, from the Department of Transport. He told a meeting of commuters, “Over the next three years we're going to be having punch ups and we will see industrial action and I want your support.” Talking about the unions, he said: “We have got to break them.”

From a certain angle this could be seen as mildly confrontational. Maybe his speech was written by someone who makes the adverts for boxing matches on Sky pay-per-view.

So now even the Chief Executive of the London Chamber of Commerce and Industry calls for Southern Rail to be taken over by Transport for London. It’s possible this is because he’s a militant Castro-supporting Marxist. Next, the Queen will call for railways to be nationalised. Then the CEO of Southern Rail will say: “Mate, I’ve been taking the piss. I can’t keep it up, the guilt’s making me come out in a rash.”

Until then, ministers seem to be saying that this rail network is run by a company that wouldn't dream of inconveniencing their passengers by suggesting there’s any point leaving the house on the off-chance there might be a train.