Labour's leaked manifesto proves it's stuck in the 1970s, unlike those ultra-modern Tories who love fox hunting

Everyone agrees Labour’s leaked manifesto will take us back to the 1970s, which is why we must re-elect the Conservatives so they can embrace the future, with policies such as bringing back fox hunting.

Nothing says you’re grasping the digital age and leaving the past behind as much as dressing in a red tunic and galloping over a fence with beagles so you can catch a fox and celebrate its liver being ripped out by smearing its blood on your child’s cheek. That’s the sort of futuristic vision you’d get from a brainstorming session at Apple.

Hopefully the Conservative manifesto will delight us with other super-modern concepts, such as replacing IVF with a fertility dance, and funding pensions by making men over 65 sell their wives at the market.

Everything Labour proposes involves taking us back in the same way. Several Conservatives have taken issue with Labour’s pledge to be “extremely cautious” before using the nuclear deterrent. What sort of 1970s nonsense is that? If you’re going to be extremely cautious about dissolving millions of civilians in an apocalyptic firestorm, you might as well bring back outside toilets and On the Buses.

Instead of caution, Labour should get with the times by promising to set off a nuclear warhead if a five game accumulator comes up on Bet365. This is the excitement we crave, knowing that if West Bromwich Albion don’t get an equaliser that’s the end of Helsinki.

Then they want to bring back the railways into public ownership. At the moment, when we’re stuck outside Bristol Temple Meads for three hours due to a signal failure, at least we can comfort ourselves in the knowledge the bloke who owns this service is worth £80bn.

And who wants to return to the days when you’d always get a seat on a train? In these modern times, the whole point of train travel is to contort yourself into a pose you can only manage if you’ve studied pilates, on the floor outside the out of order toilet. But Labour don’t care about giving us incentives to be supple, the medieval idiots.

The Royal Mail would be taken back into public ownership as well, which is another extreme measure that goes back to the 1970s, when a state-owned mail service was supported only by deranged left-wingers such as Maoists and Margaret Thatcher and her anarchist mates.

Another leaked part of the Labour manifesto insists they will “refuse to make false promises on immigration”. But if we’re to compete in a modern global economy it’s essential we make false promises on immigration. As technology advances, it’s vital for a political party to pledge: “We’re going to reduce immigration by 97 per cent, by only allowing people in if they’re two inches tall, because this country is simply full up.”

Labour should make promises such as: “We will restrict immigration but if this results in a shortage of doctors in the health service, we’ll train badgers to carry out minor operations such as removing gallstones so patients have nothing to worry about”. Because this is the way politics is done now, and Labour should move with the times.

Many commentators find it hard to stop themselves laughing at Labour’s ridiculous proposals, in which they try to win the support of voters by announcing policies that would make those voters better off.

Luckily the Conservatives explain how making you better off makes you worse off, so people don’t get fooled. For example, if tuition fees are scrapped as Labour propose, with education funded by taxation like it was back in the 1970s when Rolf Harris and Dave Lee Travis were allowed on TV, there will be more money available for students and their families, which they’ll almost certainly spend on crack.

Another piece of 1970s extreme communism is the proposal to reserve 4,000 homes across Britain for the homeless. Only a Marxist from the 1970s would wish to exercise state control like that, taking a small businessman, who’s created wealth by placing a polystyrene cup next to his blanket and the chicken nuggets he’s taken from a bin, and forcing him against his will to give up his dream and be warm. Even the Revolutionary League of Extremely Communist Communists wouldn’t go that far.

Thankfully it appears only four or five people are going to vote for these archaic policies, so we’ll give more power to the forward-thinking Theresa May. She was modern enough to answer a question about whether she was ashamed at the number of nurses who rely on food banks, by saying, “There are many complex reasons why people go to food banks.”

She didn’t go on to say what they might be, but she’s right. Some people love food banks for a romantic evening, as the service is marvellous, and you can gaze into each other’s eyes as you share a banana while listening to the soothing sounds of children crying through lack of calcium. Some people have a phobia of being more than 30 yards from a spaghetti hoop, and others queue up every week because there’s a recipe that requires a specific breed of peppered venison and they’ve looked absolutely everywhere without luck so it’s worth seeing if there’s any at the food bank.

A report came out yesterday from paediatricians saying low income is “making children ill”, in numbers that haven’t been seen for many years. But at least the Conservatives aren’t taking us back to the 1970s, because back then we were supposed to care about that sort of stuff.

Now is the time to look ahead, be modern and venture forward by hearing about things like that, and not giving a crap.