Lost elections, the Queen's gaffe and the Iraq war – it's all the fault of one man: Jeremy Corbyn

As the political parties calm down after last week’s elections, all sensible people, included most newspapers and many Labour MPs, have agreed the outcome was that Labour lost in some places, which is a disaster for Corbyn, and won in other places, which is a disaster for Corbyn.

The Queen could be caught on camera saying, "That Putin is a right w*****r. Mind you, I could take him. He’s not as hard as he thinks he is the Russian ponce," and the main item on the news would be “Corbyn under fire for not shouting ‘Go on your majesty, kick him in the bollocks’ at Prime Minister’s Questions. When the Chilcot Inquiry is finally published in July, a group of Labour MPs will make a statement. “There is no mention of Corbyn in this whatsoever, confirming he’s not taken seriously by those whose votes we need." it will say. "Tony Blair is mentioned throughout the report because he proved to vital floating voters, such as extremely slow independent inquirers and psychotic presidents, and his opinion is valued on international affairs.”

As the election results came through, the panel on the BBC consisted of a Conservative MP who hated Corbyn and, for balance, a Labour MP who hated Corbyn. The Labour figure was Chris Leslie. He appeare dall afternoon, and probably all evening and all week. He's probably now presenting Cash in the Attic, saying: “This table leg was made in 1896, which proves Jeremy Corbyn has ruined the Labour Party because by now we should be finding Georgian sideboards."

He might disappear for an hour, but that’s because he’s appearing on the on MTV Base channel, saying "alright let’s hear a big up for Tinie Tempah, my main man ‘cos unlike Corbyn he appeal to brothers and sisters from aspiring hoods like Nuneaton".

These Labour MPs analyse every election result and make conclusions such as, “If you look at the votes for president of FIFA, Corbyn got none whatsoever. At this stage if we’re not winning the support of Central African dictatorships it shows we’re heading for catastrophe.”

There must be Labour MPs who haven’t slept properly since Corbyn became leader. They roll in all directions all night, shouting “Corbyn ate my custard” and “he wants to nationalise my porcupine” until their mum comes in and gives them a spoonful of Calpol.

It may be they’re right, and Labour isn’t likely to win a general election – partly because this is so difficult since losing Scotland. And Jeremy Corbyn is clearly to blame for that. If only Labour was led by someone who invaded Iraq more often, supported Trident and was keener on big business and more abusive towards the SNP, then the SNP voters of Glasgow would come back to Labour and apologise for being so silly.

It could be said Labour is coping fairly well, given that every day there are newspaper headlines declaring “Corbyn to force flowers to wear burqas”, and “Corbyn to replace army with non-competitive rambling society.” Some people might even see the size of the victory for Sadiq Khan in the election for Mayor of London as hugely encouraging for Labour.

After all, it forced Michael Fallon, the defence secretary, to try and excuse the Tory tactic of calling Sadiq Khan a “friend of terrorists” by saying it was “only right to hold someone up to scrutiny.” This seems fair; you can only truly know whether someone’s a friend of terrorists if you make statements in the House of Commons and repeat them daily in newspapers insisting they’re a friend of terrorists. This is why I’m concerned about Princess Anne, and Olly Murs and my next door neighbour. Without them ever being called a friend of terrorists, every day for a month in leaflets, they haven’t been held to proper scrutiny. For we know, they’re going backwards and forwards to Syria every weekend.

Fallon also said the Tory campaign was simply the “rough and tumble of politics.” This seems a reasonable way to describe 'making stuff up'. At the next election, Labour should distribute leaflets declaring that Fallon tortures llamas by stringing them upside down in his bedroom, forcing them to smoke Capstan full-strength cigarettes all day. Then he can be part of the fun of the 'rough and tumble of politics' as well.

The Conservatives were so much on the defensive after the London result, they announced that Zac Goldsmith’s mum had said her son was "the least racist person I know.” That pretty much clears it up then. The Tories are keen on scrutiny, and there’s no more watertight method for holding someone up to scrutiny than asking someone’s mum if their son is guilty. The problem is it’s possible the only other people Zac’s mum knows are Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen and a biker gang from Alabama.

Another way of looking at the current situation is that Labour is winning already. Every time the government announces a new policy as being vital and marvellous and exciting, a few days later they have to cancel it. The cuts in tax credits and disability benefits, and the attempt to force all schools to become academies, have all faced such opposition they’ve been withdrawn.

But all sensible people agree the most effective way to support Labour is to be like one of these angry football supporters who scream their manager should be sacked if they lose one game. Except they'll go even further and yell: 'How dare we win the election, you're useless, sack him.'