Just imagine the royal family on The Jeremy Kyle Show

We should feel especially concerned, in these difficult royal times, for Prince Philip. He must have heard the news that the racist royal definitely isn’t him, and been furious. He must have shouted, “What else do I have to do?”

We should also say a prayer for Nicholas Witchell, on the news every few hours, in his impartial way. By Monday he’ll say: “Her Majesty has issued a statement that, ‘she hopes all matters will be resolved’, words so typically dignified that the partridges of Balmoral have formed a circle and are cooing, ‘O supreme Majesty, such prose makes us proud that soon we will be blasted by one of your mates at a shooting party.’

“Words of support have flowed from figures as diverse as Gordon Ramsay, Morrissey, Joan of Arc via a ouija board in Guildford, and ex-England goalkeeper Peter Shilton, who tweeted, ‘If Harry comes near me he’ll get a goalpost up his jacksie.’

“This very much reflects the mood of the British people, which seems to be that they would gladly spend the rest of their lives drinking yaks’ urine rather than take the side of that filthy foreign hussy with her stinking made-up allegations.”

Then they introduce a constitutional expert, the ex-Official Keeper of the Royal Tulips, who tells us: “The complaint regarding the removal of Archie’s title is simply without foundation, for the established etiquette surrounding such matters is that the first born of the third male heir of the fourth realm of the Coat of Arms of the Sussex Wildebeest shall indeed be known as Constable of the Smelling Salts until such time as his first ejaculation.”

This seems to be where Meghan went wrong; she didn’t realise how seriously all this is taken.

This is why there’s more fuss about her asking to pop out than there is about Andrew staying best mates with an international paedophile. (It’s typical of the regal demand to have the highest-ranked of everything, that he befriended someone known as “international paedophile”, because it wouldn’t do to be seen with a local one, who only covers Bournemouth and East Dorset).

At least Andrew observed royal protocol and that’s the main thing. If he did take one of his teenagers to meet the Queen, he’d make sure she curtseyed at the right time, not like this loose creature that married Harry.

Whereas he appears to have been officially believed, Meghan is officially disbelieved when she says she was driven to suicidal thoughts. And you can understand this, because newspaper columnists and royal correspondents have a much better idea of your suicidal thoughts than you do yourself.

These people would be marvellous if they worked for the Samaritans. Someone could call and say, “I don’t see the point in carrying on,” and be told, “I don’t believe you. Now go and greet a diplomat and let’s hear no more of it.”

Many people seem shocked that such unfairness should exist in the royal family, and it is hard to see why a family historically deemed born to rule with superior blood divinely ordained by God should be irrational in any way.

This is why the calls for modern monarchy, with equality and diversity might be a little naive. In a British monarchy, men are higher than women, the monarch can’t marry a Catholic, the fourteenth in line to the throne has to bow if the ninth in line walks into the room, and people from countries Britain colonised are our subjects. These aren’t just the rules, they’re the reason it exists.

You can’t have monarchy without all this, you might as well say: “I love football, but can’t we get rid of the ball?”

If you’re born in India or Jamaica, you are immediately a subject of the monarchy. This means everyone in colonised countries is deemed inferior to Prince Charles and Prince Andrew, which is a fairly high degree of racism. So of course they get in a pickle about how brown a royal baby might be.

Incidentally, this remark was so shocking, no one seems to have noticed it also suggests the at least one member of the royals family doesn’t know how babies work. Because how does anyone know how brown a baby will be? They must think the colour shows up on the scan. So the midwife says: “Oh look, you’re going to have a little girl. And it’s going to be light to middling shade, like the top of an apple crumble.”

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Instead, some people have jumped to attack the couple, such as the spokesman for the press who demanded Meghan, “has to provide evidence” that British newspapers are bigoted.

She’ll have to hire an extremely sharp detective to find that evidence, as it’s hidden very carefully on the front page of half the papers printed every day, under headlines such as “Migrants flood to Britain”, every day for the last 40 years.

But none of this means the monarchy should be abolished. It should carry on as long as they conduct all their fights in television interviews, but hosted by Jeremy Kyle. Under a caption that says, “My uncle’s best friend was an international paedophile and my father-in-law’s a long-term adulterer who nonetheless will become head of the Church of England and I had suicidal thoughts and they wouldn’t let me out but they still think they’re naturally superior.”

Then Charles fights his way onto the stage screaming, “You won’t get nothing from me Markle, NOTHING”, as security holds his waist, and she screams, “You can’t even squeeze yer own toothpaste, you prick.”

Then Nicholas Witchell says: “The Queen has handled this remarkably well.”