Donald Trump's problem? He doesn't go far enough

The problem with Donald Trump’s plan to stop all Muslims from entering America, at least “until we can figure what is going on”, is that it doesn’t go far enough. To make the country truly safe he should insist that - as so many non-Muslims go berserk with guns in schools and shopping malls - no non-Muslims can be allowed into the country until we can figure out what is going on.

Some non-Muslims may complain it’s unfair to blame all of them for a minority of crazed murderers, but we can’t afford to take chances. How many more massacres in cinemas and bowling alleys must there be before someone takes responsibility and bans them all?

One supporter of Trump said yesterday: “We can’t look at a Muslim and tell whether they’re a terrorist or friendly.” This is true, and shows the Muslim terrorist is especially dangerous. Say what you will about the IRA, at least they wore top hats with flashing lights that spelled the word ‘terrorist’, and noses shaped like a surface to air missile; you just knew from looking at them.

But the non-Muslims who go doolally and fire into supermarkets also disguise themselves. One minute they’re calmly drawing pictures of Satan in the college canteen, or buying a Kalashnikov on a two-for-one offer at the fishmongers with some haddock. Then, out of nowhere, they’re firing at everyone in Aldi. So I’m sure the moderate non-Muslims will understand if, for their own safety, they’ll have to be tagged and report every day to a psychiatrist for an assessment and, if they pass, then go to the Post Office to get a stamp that allows them to stay out until half past six.

Donald Trump strengthened his argument about the danger of Muslims when he said there have been no Muslim American sports stars. If you were picky, you could suggest Muhammad Ali - a prominent member of the Nation of Islam. But they weren’t very Muslim; they only saw Islam as a side issue. And anyway, he wasn’t all that sporty.

Trump informed the American public that, “Parts of London are so radicalised the police won’t go there as they’re afraid of their lives.” He wasn’t specific about which area of London, but he’ll probably explain he means inside the tiger’s cage at London Zoo - insisting the tiger converted to Islam this summer, and has already made a video roaring ‘death to the infidel iguanas’ in the Reptile House.

That would be less imaginative than his claim that, in New Jersey, “crowds of Muslims cheered as the Twin Towers came down.” Some people objected to this account, on the grounds that not a single person anywhere has any record or recollection of any such event. But Trump will argue: “Someone has to finally be prepared to stand up to political correctness by making shit up. Too many politicians are afraid to invent stories, because they worry some liberal professor will complain there’s no evidence that Muslims bombed Pearl Harbour, or that the dodo died out when hungry Muslims ate them all at the end of Ramadan.”

Every time he makes one of these comments, his popularity in the Republican Party goes up. So if it dips again he’ll say, “The border with Mexico should be made into a trifle, then smeared over an asteroid and sent into orbit round Neptune. Let’s see the lazy dogs get across that.”

The biggest impact he’s having is to make other politicians who should seem frightening appear normal and reassuring. Republican candidate Ted Cruz looks like the calm one, yet he’s demanded we ban refugees from any country in which Isis has a presence. This makes sense, because it keeps out dodgy immigrants who claim to be running away from Isis just because they come from an area controlled by Isis. He will, however, allow entry to anyone running from Isis when they’ve come from Iceland or Wales.

Governors in 31 states have supported a ban on all refugees from Syria. Because if someone’s squashed their family onto a pedalo and paddled to Cyprus to get away from Isis, that’s a sure sign they support Isis.

Trump has even made Boris Johnson seem reasonable. The Mayor of London was rude about him, and Trump replied this was outrageous because “I have done so much for Scotland, including building Trump International Golf Links in Aberdeen.” You can understand his anger: once you’ve built a golf course somewhere, you’re entitled to say or do whatever you like without expecting anyone to disagree. In fact, maybe he’s discovered the way to solve the problems that disturb him so much. All he has to do is build golf courses across the Middle East, and he can rule the place himself.

To start with he can create the world’s most intriguing crazy golf across Gaza, with the ball bouncing off the rubble and bombed hospitals in all directions creating hilarity for all the family. Then he can landscape 18 holes in the middle of the Isis caliphate, making sure there are signs up saying: "If you blow yourself up to reach eternal paradise, please replace any displaced divots". No one will have any grounds for objecting to anything he proposes, makes up or pretends happened when it clearly didn’t. Because you can’t do that to someone whose paid for a golf course.

Is it any wonder so many people see Islam as backward and medieval, when you compare it to a rational thoughtful society in which millions of people want to be led by Donald Trump?