Joe Biden should address the nation and tell us Trump is actually a sentient cupcake. That’s how he’ll win this election

The worry with Donald Trump was that he’d gone so berserk throughout the last four years, that he wouldn’t be able to go any further for the election. But he’s managed.

He told Fox News this week “Biden is being controlled”, by people he saw on a plane with Joe Biden. “And in the plane it was loaded with thugs, wearing black uniforms, with gear and this and that.”

It sounds like he’s fallen asleep in front of Men in Black and mixed it up with real life. Tomorrow, he’ll watch Godzilla and say “Joe Biden’s a dangerous man, he treads on buildings. I know some people, fantastic people, they tell me he demolished Tokyo, he’s 90 feet tall and covered in scales.”

Boris Johnson will copy this strategy, and accuse Keir Starmer of scaring Londoners by flying over them with an umbrella and making up silly long words and dancing with cartoon penguins.

When Trump was asked where this plane was going, with all the gear and this and that, he said “Wherever.”

That’s probably the most coherent answer he could have given, as advised by his team. Because originally he wanted to say “Ancient Rome. His people are planning to take America to Ancient Rome, they’ve met with Caligula, they’re going to make us slaves, they’ll make us gladiate, they’ve got whips and this and that, bad people, they’re very bad.”

This is encouraging as there are still two months to go. By the start of October, Trump will announce at a rally: “Biden is Mexican, his real name is Biden del Acapulco, he’s a drug dealer, he’s learned to sneeze heroin. We’ve seen evidence he makes hurricanes. He has a place, a bad place, and he makes hurricanes, and he blows them at Florida. And he’s from China, he works for China. His head is a pagoda. And he punched Jesus. I’ve seen a film, of Jesus at a Miss World contest in Jerusalem, I love Jerusalem, fantastic people, and Joe Biden set fire to his beard, and Jesus was upset, very upset, he called me. Jesus loves me.”

But the magical part is it doesn’t seem to affect his support. No one knows how far he could go before his supporters started to question whether they still backed him.

He could shout at the rallies that he’d done a deal with Atlantis, a great deal, they’d agreed to dry it off and bring it to Wisconsin, and they’d all cheer.

He could tell people he invented cats, and that planes can fly on his Twitter messages instead of fuel.

He could announce “I saw the North Korean guy, Kim Jong-un, it says in his newspaper he played golf, he got a hole in one at every hole. Well, I got a hole in nought at every hole. My course is a fantastic course, Henry VIII plays there, he loves it.”

And the polls would show he’d gone up one per cent, with focus groups saying “I love him because at last here’s someone who tells the truth.”

Luckily, we don’t have to rely on watching America, because our prime minister models himself on Trump.

For example, this week, Johnson answered a question about mucking up the entire nation’s students’ exams by saying Starmer supported the IRA.

Everyone should be allowed to use this strategy. When a shoplifter is questioned by security about all the packets of cheese in their pocket, they should be allowed to go free if they answer: “The real question is why you support the IRA.”

As Starmer was in charge of prosecuting many members of the IRA, it seems unlikely he was a supporter. Maybe Johnson will explain that Starmer only prosecuted them because they weren’t IRA enough.

Next week, if Starmer asks Johnson a question about the furlough scheme, the prime minister will say “what’s it got to do with you? You supported the Daleks against Doctor Who.”

When Starmer asks him how Brexit negotiations are going, Johnson will say “you supported coronavirus. Yes you did, you met its leaders, you spoke at a meeting with three puddles of coronavirus. What the British people want to know, is why you went to the funeral of a spore of coronavirus?”

One of the differences between Johnson and Trump, is Johnson tries to sound clever by throwing in odd moments of Latin. So he’ll yell “He asks me a question, er, Mr Speaker, ipso facto, but has the impertinence and has yet to explain, why he spent seven years eating bats in China, Mr Speaker, in the hope of creating the virus, habeas corpus coitus interruptus, because we want Britain to work and he wants it to cancel live recordings of Top Gear.”

If someone in a workplace spoke like these two, Human Resources would contact a doctor and someone would run to the chemist. They’d be given three weeks off, everyone would sign a card, and a local footballer would visit them, and one of their friends would write on Facebook that we shouldn’t judge people who imagine planes full of people in black with gear and this and that, or people who think everyone is in the IRA, because mental health is a serious issue.

Just like in America, his supporters appear to think “It may be all lies, but at least they’re proper lies, not sneaky politician lies.”

So to beat them in an election, you need someone who’s going to inspire people, as we can’t rely on enough people voting for someone simply because their opponent seems criminally insane.

And that’s why every time I see Biden, part of me thinks “please don’t wet yourself, at least until after the cameras have gone”. And part of me thinks “or maybe that would make him go up nine per cent in the polls?”