The discovery of Cheddar Man means that when Ukip gets into power, they'll now deport all the white people

The discovery that this cave dweller from 10,000 years ago was black – meaning that British cavemen were black – will cause a huge amount of office work. Because British racists will have to rewrite their leaflets and redesign their websites, and start shouting, “This country should be for BRITISH people with pure BRITISH blood, for the true BLACK race, not these white immigrants that have come over here diluting our British genes.”

Groups with names like “The British White Glory Smack You Right Up Alliance”, who pride themselves on maintaining ancient British traditions, such as assembling in a group of twenty-five and yelling between gulps of cider in a car park in Luton, will have to retrain their members.

Now they’ll have to scream into a camera: “This used to be a country for the British race, who go right back to the start of Britain, now it’s full of whites trying to destroy our Britishness, and we’ve had enough.”

It shows how much we’ve lost our natural British identity, that the cave dweller was found in Cheddar in Somerset, because the tragedy now is you can walk round parts of the West Country for hours and not see a black face. Black people in places like Templecombe and Wells must feel like strangers in their own country.

That woman who went out with the Ukip leader, and complained that the royal marriage will spoil Britain’s heritage because Harry’s bride will be black, can make the same point she made before. But she’ll have to amend it and say, “How DISGUSTING that Prince Harry will pollute our natural Britishness, by mixing his foreign white blood with the natural black Britishness of Meghan Markle.”

And Conservative councillors will have to make carefully phrased comments, so they don’t get into trouble, such as: “We’re in danger of neglecting our own people. There are very respectable areas which, in recent years, have seen such an influx of colourlesses, that it’s no wonder the true English, the old local black population, feel resentful.”

The DNA of the Cheddar Man suggests he came to Britain after the Ice Age, from the Middle-East. So true Britons are not only black, they’re Arabs. The English Defence League will start demonstrating against towns where there isn’t a mosque, for not preserving the natural British Middle Eastern culture that’s in our DNA. And their leaders will make angry speeches at rallies, saying “I’m PROUD to be from this country, and that I can trace my ancestry right back. That’s why we must demand every kid at school is taught the Quran. This foreign Christian muck has GOT TO STOP.”

Then they’ll demonstrate outside a recording of Songs of Praise, and demand the vicar sings a call to prayer from the roof instead.

Conservative Associations in villages across Huntingdonshire will complain that British heritage is being betrayed in our schools, as children are being held back because of all the kids in their class who don’t speak a word of Arabic.

“We must take our country back,” they’ll demand, “and tell these white families that if they want to enjoy the benefits of living in Britain, they’ll have to jolly well abide by the customs of the original British people.”

Iain Duncan Smith will point out that as Cheddar Man’s tribe came here around 8,000 BC, it’s clear that we relaxed our borders during the liberal Mesolithic period, and our caves couldn’t take the strain. We had a perfectly efficient economy in which no one was living here at all, meaning there was a record low figure for unemployment, then these Mesolithics came here, prepared to work for next to nothing, and putting a terrible strain on our dwellings.

As time passed and some of the population became white, there was probably some understandable resentment, with these white outsiders changing the nature of the area, and older black families saying, “These white people, they go straight down the council and they’re given a mammoth, just like that. It’s Neolithic correctness gone mad, that’s what it is.”

Then there must have been complaints that when a white family moved into the area, the value of the cave went down, but eventually some of them learned to integrate.

But maybe the most important point is these cave dwellers must have been extraordinarily wealthy. Because as has been explained by followers of the Ukip model, Britain simply can’t sustain an increase in its population. Every time the number of people living here goes up, we become worse off, and all our services collapse.

So back when Cheddar Man was around, and there were only a few thousand living in the whole country, they must have been rolling in it. Every family could afford to get Banksy to do the paintings in their cave. They could probably get their fire started by a celebrity every single night.

And luckily, that spirit of Cheddar Man must have been passed down, because one man from the Cheddar area, who apparently has DNA that suggests he’s related to the cave man, said “Oh there is a resemblance”, when he saw his picture.

He probably also said: “I thought there was some Mesolithic cave dweller in me as I’ve always been mildly interested in rudimentary axes, and trying to keep warm.”

But also, what a comment on the spirit of the area, that 10,000 years ago someone travelled across glaciers to get there, and ever since then his descendants have said, “that’s enough running about for one family, we’re not moving an inch for at least 10,000 years.”