The success of the Brexit negotiations show that we're finally getting our country back

They don’t know how it’s going to work or when it will start or who will be allowed here, but the leaked Brexit papers show at last they’re going to STOP THE IMMIGRANTS from doing all those jobs they do. So we can walk past a field in Hereford with tons of rotting apples no one has picked and be PROUD because we’ll be certain no Pole has been picking them off trees, so they can lie on the ground rotting like PROPER BRITISH apples full of BRITISH MAGGOTS because we’ve GOT OUR COUNTRY BACK.

And half the staff in London restaurants are from the EU, but now we can look forward to going out to eat, fetching an empty plate from the kitchen and enjoying an ENGLISH meal, that isn’t cooked or prepared and doesn’t consist of any food so we can look out of the window for an hour and then leave because we’ve got SOVEREIGNTY.

We can lie on hospital trolleys singing the National Anthem between screams, enjoying the freedom of knowing none of our taxes are going towards foreign nurses so we can stick a Union Jack in our open wound as it turns septic, shedding tears of happiness because we’re in charge of our affairs again.

This is the boost the low-paid have been waiting for, because poor wages are caused by immigration. For example, the nurses have gone several years without a rise, because of a pay cap imposed by Bulgarians. The Prime Minister tried her best to give them more money, but Bulgarians took her guinea pig hostage and threatened to squirt carpet cleaner in its eye unless she kept them poor, so what could she do?

The staff at McDonalds went on strike this week against dreadful pay, because Ronald McDonald is a Romanian – the tight-fisted foreign clown, coming over here and setting up burger chains that pay £7 an hour. Luckily, once we’re out of the EU, we’ll rely on investment from America, where I’m sure their burger chains treat staff with far more kindness.

The slogan the Government seems keen to adopt is British jobs for British workers. This may involve a bit of thought, as it’s hard to be sure what a British job is. Making pie and mash is a solid British job – though obviously not the bit involving pastry because that’s French.

Spitfire Pilot is a highly British job – except that one-fifth of them were Polish, and being Jacob Rees-Mogg sounds British but has a whiff of medieval Italian Pope.

But PROPER British jobs such as knight, chimney sweep, coming 26th in Eurovision and pissing in a foreign fountain will be reserved for BRITISH workers.

The new system will be fair, because foreigners will be entitled to stay here for two years before they’re replaced. This won’t put them off in any way, because all of us, when choosing where to move to, like to select somewhere that’s going to kick us out two years later.

After all, the first questions we ask an estate agent before deciding to relocate are “What are the schools like?”, “Are there nice parks nearby?” and “Do they have a rule that we’ll be kicked out after two years, because we don’t want to become institutionalised?”

This seems only fair, because the 300,000 British who live in Spain are all critical to the local economy. Many of them are top-quality, high-grade criminals. We don’t just send them any local burglar: they get our finest bank robbers, hit men and plotters of major heists, to provide skills the Spanish are often short of.

They also take many of our most talented and professional pensioners, who are so skilful they can live in a Spanish village for twenty years and still not have the slightest idea how to say “please” in anything but English.

So it’s encouraging that the negotiations are going so smoothly. David Davis warned us: “No one said Brexit will be easy,” and this is true, as no one did – except his negotiating colleague Liam Fox, who said a Brexit deal “should be the easiest in history”, but it would be unfair to interpret this as suggesting it might be easy.

In some ways the Conservatives are making it look easy, because they clearly haven’t got the slightest idea what they’re doing. It’s like if I was at a meeting of a Formula 1 team that were asking for ideas about how to improve an engine. I’d just sit there and look at diagrams, occasionally saying, “What’s this bit?” while reading a copy of Viz.

This means some clauses are a slight surprise, such as the rule we have to pay £50bn to leave. Luckily we’re all prepared for this, as this bill was always mentioned throughout the referendum campaign, with complete honesty. Sometimes the exact figures were slightly off, so they came out as £350m every day would come TO us FROM the EU, which we could spend on the National Health Service, but that’s just a detail. Everyone accepted there would be lots of numbers and that’s the main thing.

Because now we can stand in a market and know our beetroot can be triangular without being confiscated by the EU, should we so desire – that’s got to be worth £50bn.

And to make it happen, we have the joy of the government having to introduce Henry VIII laws, so to get out of the outdated bureaucratic EU, we have to go forward into the sixteenth century.

By 1 December they’ll introduce an Ethelred the Unready law, allowing the government to burn down a village and hand our womenfolk to the Danes, because it’s all going brilliantly and makes us PROUD.