Boris Johnson told us Brexit was ‘do or die’. But no MPs opposed to no deal seem willing to do either

Why is there all this fuss? Boris Johnson has been clear this is simply the normal procedure, to shut down parliament for a few weeks at the precise moment parliament is debating a historic measure that will alter the country for centuries. It’s no different from the way you shut down all the fire stations at the exact time you set a city alight, it’s just what everyone always does.

Next week Johnson will announce: “No one can go to the House of Commons today, as we’ve filled it with leopards. And Iain Duncan Smith is sat on a beam with a flame-thrower while wearing a Stetson and smoking a crack pipe. This is all perfectly normal procedure.”

And it’s just a coincidence that the people who agree most fervently with this arcane method, are Jacob Rees-Mogg, Iain Duncan Smith, John Redwood and all the people who worship the God of Brexit by burning EU flags in the woods at night and sacrificing squirrels while chanting “no deal, no deal” in black cloaks.

Some people have criticised MPs such as Matt Hancock for supporting this measure when on 6 June he wrote to all Conservative leader candidates imploring them to rule it out, saying suspending parliament “goes against everything those men who waded onto those beaches fought and died for”.

But we should give him the benefit of the doubt, and accept he isn’t being hypocritical, it’s just that he doesn’t like those men who waded onto those beaches. They were a pain in the arse, and he takes any opportunity to go against everything they stood for. After all, they were fighting to protect democracy, and he doesn’t seem to be a fan, so he’s not a liar at all.

Nicky Morgan is now a keen supporter of shutting parliament, though a few weeks ago she said it was “a mad suggestion”, but she meant it in the same way as a contestant on Love Island, as in “I’m CRAZY, and if you’ve got a mad suggestion I’m IN baby, weeeehaaaaah”.

Amber Rudd said something along the lines of “I would happily Velcro my own children to a barbecue and grill them while pouring on extra lighter fuel, rather than consider no deal”, but would now explain herself by saying “I can’t stand my children so this has all worked out perfectly.”

Because the important thing is that we carry out the will of the people, and take back control for parliament by shutting down parliament. We must heed the words of Rees-Mogg when he says wisely: “It’s time to withdraw power from the elite, as I said this morning in Latin before my daily joust.”

In the referendum, the Leave campaign was adamant at all times that a vote to leave would mean a simple deal would be arranged with the EU, which means no one voted for a no-deal Brexit, and it’s essential that we honour the wishes of that no one. What would no one think, if we ignored the vote they didn’t make? It would be dreadful if no one decided to never trust the democratic system again, so it’s vital we protect democracy by doing something we promised wouldn’t happen, and to make sure it happens by shutting down our democracy.

It may not take the most astute strategist to work out that Johnson is trying to remove all obstacles to his aim of delivering Brexit, no matter what sort of Brexit it is. Which is why it’s quite sweet that so much of the opposition has no idea how to respond.

It appears to have placed the Liberal Democrats in an awkward position, so they make announcements such as: “We believe a no-deal Brexit is worse than the bubonic plague that ravaged 14th-century Europe. But rather than come together with Labour to stop it, we prefer telling Boris Johnson he’s a cheeky so-and-so, and hopefully he’ll take notice.”

Jo Swinson spent almost all her interview on Newsnight on Wednesday lamenting what a difficult position this has put the Queen in, and you can understand why. It goes without saying that it’s awkward when a prime minister tramples on centuries of democracy to force through a historic change to society to satisfy a handful of maniacs and an insane American president. But what’s really heartbreaking, is the fact that the Queen had to spend five minutes looking up “proroguing” on Wikipedia when she’d been looking forward to watching Pointless.

There’s a clear majority of MPs opposed to a no-deal Brexit, so it shouldn’t be that hard to vote Johnson’s government down. But that would be too grubby, so it’s better if they all squabble between themselves and come up with delightful plans such as “programmes of legislation thinginess and wotsit”. Or announcing: “We’re investigating the possibility of setting up a government of National Cookery, in which Dominic Grieve is responsible for negotiating with the EU, and John McDonnell is in charge of omelettes. This could be acceptable to Anna Soubry and Ken Clarke, but Plaid Cymru are demanding a leek from Brecon whereas Labour insists it must be from Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment.”

Even so, Johnson shouldn’t get his way in the long run, because scrapping all regulations on greed, handing the country to super-rich crackpots and monocled oddities, while blaming everything that goes wrong on immigrants, is not actually the will of the people. There are far more people opposed to this than in support of it, including the overwhelming majority of the largest cities, of Scotland, and of people under the age of 50.

What they all need is a slogan, around which they can come together, to stop Johnson and his elite making their maniacal grab for power. Maybe we should try “take back control”.