‘He took all the handles off the doors’: How a refuge saved the life of a child living through domestic abuse

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Louise Thomas

Editor

Jess was just five years old when she first saw her biological father hit her mother.

In the years that followed, his vicious physical and psychological abuse extended to both Jess and her younger brother, forcing them to spend their childhood afraid in their own home.

She described “always being watched” by Lee*, who removed all door handles and drilled holes in the walls of their home so he could watch and control their every move.

On one occasion, Lee locked them inside as he set fire to the back of the house, and Jess would often return from weekends away visiting Lee’s family “wondering if [her mother] was alive or not” as she was locked away after being beaten severely.

This terror continued for years, until Jess, then 12, and her mother and brother were finally able to find safety when they fled to a refuge house.

Jess, now 34, firmly believes that if they had not escaped to this safe house, one of them would have been killed.

“Mum bundled up a few bin bags of clothes and we drove for what seemed like hours in her tiny fiesta,” Jess said. “I remember pulling up to the house and even though it was scary as hell, it felt like such a relief.

“When we got there, it was a bit gloomy but it was a safe place. I instantly knew no one was getting in. I remember my mum sat on the bed and I could see tears in her eyes, but it was just pure relief. She would sleep that night knowing she and her kids would wake up safe in the morning.

“I genuinely feel if we didn’t go to that refuge, one of us would be dead. It saved us.”

For children subjected to domestic abuse, a refuge could provide a lifeline, ensuring a physically secure home, and vital emotional support which in some cases, could be the difference between life and death.

However, across the UK, one woman is turned away from a refuge every two hours due to a lack of space or capacity, affecting the thousands of children in need of a stable, safe home as well.

This is why The Independent has partnered with charity Refuge to raise £300,000 to build a home for women escaping abusive partners, and any child or pet they bring with them.

Here they can find safety and freedom, and rebuild their lives – brick by brick.

Jess lived at the house alongside other families that had escaped abuse and was able to speak to other children her age about their experiences.

“We could use the computer room, do arts and crafts and have day trips,” she said. “Me and another girl went to do horse riding and that was therapy. It helped spending time with someone who understood you and what you were going through.

“It was reassuring to know it wasn’t just us. There were other people going through it.”

Ian, 56, also witnessed his father abuse his mother before turning violent on himself. He became aware of his father’s abuse when he was five years old and would see his father return home from work and “take things out” on his mother.

When Ian was aged six, he saw his father abuse his mother on her birthday before he tried to step in. He remembers him “flying into a rage” and pinning him to the door before threatening to kill him with a kitchen knife.

“I was scared when I was a young kid,” he said. “It was physical and mental abuse as well. He would punch me but he was clever in his own way and never physically abuse us in places people could see.”

Ian was once hospitalised after his father slammed his head into a door frame but was told not to reveal the abuse to medical staff. The abuse has impacted Ian through to adulthood, affecting his relationships and self-belief.

Ian and his mother were forced to endure the abuse until his father’s death when Ian was 19.

“You hear people asking all the time why don’t you leave when you’re being abused, but my mum wasn’t in the financial situation to be able to and organisations weren’t around in the way they are today,” he said.

“The idea of there being a safe refuge house would have been great. To be able to know there’s somewhere for you to go and be looked after and cared for is great.”

Data from Refuge estimates that a staggering one in five children in the UK have lived with an adult perpetrating domestic abuse. The charity is able to provide a safe environment for 700 to 900 of these children each year in their 55 refuges across the country, but it says the demand is “even higher”.

At a refuge, children are offered not only physical safety but are provided with a specialist support worker to assist in their emotional recovery.

Elaha Walizadeh, who oversees the children services at domestic abuse charity Refuge, said: “First and foremost, physical safety is absolutely paramount for these children. And when they’re physically safe, they can start the healing journey to heal their trauma.

“In refuges, they can really begin that journey ... with the help of support workers. A lot of that work is preventative which is crucial. There are conversations around misogyny and dynamics behind domestic abuse. If you want to get rid of domestic abuse, we need to start working with young people.”

Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise £300,000 to build a safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future.

Ian and Jess are both lived experience advocates for the NSPCC, who work to combat childhood trauma, abuse and neglect. If you need help, you can contact Refuge by calling 0808 2000 247 or NSPCC at 08088005000.

*names have been changed for legal reasons.