The Bank of England has ‘lost’ £50bn in bank notes – has anyone checked the lorry park in Kent?

How much cash have you got stashed under the mattress? According to the National Audit Office, three-quarters of the Bank of England’s supply of bank notes has gone missing. That’s a hell of a lot. Around £50bn to be exact. I know that the new £10 notes are slippery buggers – in fact, they don’t seem like real money compared to their thicker £20 pals – but how did our trusty bankers manage to mislay this huge amount of dosh?  

At the start of lockdown last March, the public were accused of withdrawing large amounts of cash “in case of an emergency”. Then we realised that handling money – especially small change – might not be hygenic (who want to wash every 50p piece?), and now we eagerly flash plastic for every purchase, even when that might just be another bar of chocolate to get us through hours of Nicole Kidman and her strangely frozen features.

I haven’t got even one thousand quid stashed for an emergency. In fact, like most people, I’m spending less, as there’s no parties to go to – even I am not a sucker willing to fork out £200 for designer satin pyjamas to wear to eat a comforting sausage casserole.

Has anyone checked the big lorry park in Kent that’s been designated a holding point for a no-deal Brexit? What about Mark Carney’s luggage? He’s gone to Canada – isn’t that suspicious? Boris has messed up the Covid tiers and our pathetic test and trace system – but even he couldn’t mislay £50bn in cash.