Thank you, Susie Dent, for reminding us that coffee really is the devil’s drink

Susie Dent is obviously the cleverest, most sensible person in the country. Everybody knows that. She sits in “Dictionary Corner” on Countdown, showing up the contestants and finding nine-letter words that shouldn’t really exist. She is the queen of logolatry.

So it was, to put it mildly, unexpected when Dent appeared to be slurring her words occasionally on television. Some viewers thought she might have been drinking – which seemed a very un Susie Dent-ish thing to do. The truth, thank the Lord, is rather more prosaic. Caffeine is to blame.

Dent told The Mirror recently that her body goes into “toxic shock” if she drinks too much coffee and she gets “incredibly cold” and “starts shivering”.

“My lips go absolutely black with cold and I start ­slurring my words,” the 56-year-old explained. “I seem much more drunk than I would have done had I had a couple of gin slings.” Because it’s Susie Dent, we must trust her – though it’s not a line I’d try with a police officer.

But what this proves is that, as I have always thought (and probably said), coffee is the devil’s drink. It turns Susie Dent’s lips black, for goodness’ sake. It also tastes nasty, gives you bad breath, makes you jittery, is comically expensive and only encourages hipsters to be more irritating than they already are. I have never understood the appeal.

That morning coffee people speak of so lovingly really is the worst possible way to start the day. It provides a false sense of alertness that wears off in the time it takes to say “Nescafe” and leaves you with a headache and a comedown that can only be alleviated with more coffee. It’s like smoking with none of the cool bits. Pointless.

Much better to stick to English tea, which brews slowly, takes its time, and cajoles you gently into the day, rather than slapping you about the chops. A cup of tea is reassuring. It says, “Come on, let’s see how far we get today”. A cup of coffee is like that annoying friend who can’t sit still and always wants to “do things”. Go, go, go. People who give up coffee invariably say how much better they feel after the cravings have subsided. No one ever gives up tea. Why would you?

So we must, once again, thank Susie Dent for reminding us just what a dreadful drink coffee is. You might disagree with me. But you’d be a fool to disagree with the cleverest, most sensible person in the country.

Yours,

Rupert Hawksley

Voices senior commissioning editor