Would you Adam and Eve it?

ARCHAEOLOGISTS working in the Middle East have uncovered what they think may be the first cultivated plot of land in the history of the world. Leading the expedition is the Cockney palaeontologist 'Cocker' Leakey, and he told me, over a pint at his local pub, the Skull and Trowel, that what they have found overthrows all previous theories about man's origins.

'Up to now, we have believed that early man was a hunter, or a roaming vandal, like a prehistoric 'traveller' on a continental scale. And it's an appealing picture, primitive man as a perpetual festival-thrower, rave organiser and party-thrower. It would explain why Stonehenge looks a bit dishevelled, as if 40,000 hippies in the dawn of time ushered in history with an almighty party. Maybe they did]'

But why have we always believed these pictures of man as a primitive nomad? Because of the theories that 'Cocker' Leakey himself has put out?

'Exactly] And now it's time to modify the theory in the light of new evidence. Theories evolve, and improve, and get turned into new TV programmes . . .' His voice trailed away, and he looked round, as if half expecting a call from Channel 4.

'Tell us about this new discovery, Cocker.'

'Oh, right. Well, we have uncovered the earliest human site in existence. It seems to have been a garden. There was a huge tree in the middle. It was occupied by, at a guess, a single man and woman. Everything in the garden seems to have been lovely. There is evidence of considerable gardening skill. And yet, after a certain date, the garden seems to have been precipitately closed down. And we can't be sure why.'

Cocker took a huge pull at his pint of Old County Boundary, and stared into the distance, smiling slightly.

'Still, you can see the shattering implications of the discovery, can't you, sunshine?'

Like what, matey?

'Well, we've always believed that man was a nomad, a wanderer, who gradually settled down to become a farmer and cultivator. If this discovery is genuine, it means that man was once a gardener who threw it all up to become a wanderer.

'One theory we are working on is that the livestock became too much for them. There are traces in the garden of every living creature, especially creeping and crawling ones, and you know what heartbreak it is trying to combat cats and dogs, never mind slugs and snails, not to mention leopards and camels.

'Another theory is that the woman seems at some point to have become very picky and choosy, asking the man to plant this and that, a row of this and a bed of that, and it may be that this got up his nose eventually.

'But, above all, we feel that if this pair was really the first man and woman, maybe the worries of gardening just finally got to them. Like, if you want to go away on holiday, and you're the only people in the world, who do you ask to keep an eye on it? You'd worry yourself sick all the time you were away.

'Another thing - if you have ever had a garden, you know that, psychologically speaking, you need a bit of praise from outsiders, right? When you visit someone with a garden, what's the first thing they say? It's 'Would you like to have a look round the garden?', isn't it? And God help you if you say no, because they're not going to open the drinks cupboard till you do. Another pint?'

He waited till I got him another pint.

'Well, it must have been a bit of a strain, being the first man and woman and all, and having the first garden, and not having anyone to show it off to. After a while, you begin to wonder what it's all for. 'Shall we throw it open to the public one day a year?', one of you says. And the other says, 'What bloody public?'. Well, stands to reason, it would get you down after a bit. So you decide to pack it all in and give hunter-gathering a go for a while.'

He fell silent again.

'Anyway, I've sent off a programme proposal to the TV companies for a series called Early Man - The Gardener, part one: Was Stonehenge an Early Greenhouse? But I haven't heard a dicky bird yet.'

Did they, as a matter of interest, find the skeleton of a serpent anywhere in the garden?

'Funny you should mention that. Yes, huge one. And the weird thing was that . . .'

He fell silent again. It was a sign for more beer. It's sometimes hard work getting things out of 'Cocker' Leakey.