Male bosses are right – of course we can't have women running businesses, our lady brains just couldn't cope

“In a shocking turn of events, men still hate women” says new government-backed report into gender inequality.

OK, that might be a slight exaggeration.

However, after reading the top 10 reasons given by FTSE 350 chairs and chief executives for not hiring women, you might start to wonder.

The study, which was released today, is part of a push from the government to make the boards of the UK’s top 350 companies at least a third female by 2020.

The list is as expected: completely absurd. It includes gems such as “We have one woman already on the board, so we are done – it is someone else’s turn” and “I can’t just appoint a woman because I want to”, which completely ignores the fact that you literally can just hire a woman because you want to. Isn’t that what everyone’s been doing with men for the entirety of history?

Another highlight is what appears to be a quote from a Nineties romcom, with a lead probably played by Hugh Grant: “All the ‘good’ women have already been snapped up.” Someone should probably reassure them that there are 33 million of us in the UK. There really are plenty more fish in the sea, sweetie.

Beyond just being a bit silly, the list reveals how the efforts to get more women into positions of power are truly seen by some of the most powerful people in the country: a bit of a pain, a lot of effort, and an unwanted disruption to the old boys’ club that currently holds court in the upper echelons of business.

Most of the arguments don’t even attempt to be reasonable, instead, they’re largely based on vague ideas about why women simply couldn’t handle a seat at the head of the table: “I don’t think women fit comfortably into the board environment.” In fairness, it is quite hard to squeeze in with all the inflated male egos taking up so much space.

However, the pièce de résistance to this shameless display of male chauvinism has to be the claim that “Most women don’t want the hassle or pressure of sitting on a board”. They must have been reading our minds. We have actually been fighting for equal rights for a few thousand years, you know? We’re pretty pooped at this point, and sitting on a board does seem like a lot of effort.

Having already been described as “pitiful” and “patronising” by business minister Andrew Griffiths, the list is proof that contrary to popular belief, 2018 really isn’t such a good time to be a girl, and attitudinal opposition might be the greatest challenge we face when trying to put women in their rightful place – on top.

In the words of Amanda Mackenzie, chief executive of Business in the Community: “As you read this list of excuses you might think it’s 1918, not 2018. It reads like a script from a comedy parody but it’s true. Surely we can now tackle this once and for all.”

The report does show that progress has certainly been made in recent years to increase gender equality in business – all-male FTSE 350 boards even fell from 152 to 10 between 2011 and 2017. But if this list proves anything, it’s that we still have a long way to go. But then again, what would I know? As a mere woman, I likely don’t have the right credentials and depth of experience to write this article, and it’s all just a little too complex.