What this war needs is someone who can run it better
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Your support makes all the difference.IF THE war in Bosnia were being run by . . .
British Rail
There would be a full-scale army mutiny every Friday
The BBC Board of Governors
They would announce that the war was not a resigning matter
The Jockey Club
It would turn out that the Jockey Club had ordered the war to be restarted in 1989, and had been trying to get the contestants back to their original positions ever since
BBC Radio
The idea of the war would already have been nicked by a commercial ITV station and turned into a successful TV series
BBC Television
The war would be staged in a special town built in Spain at a cost of millions of pounds to licence payers, and brought to an end as soon as viewing figures slumped
Hollywood
The war would be turned into a weekly TV sit-com called Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head
British estate agents
They would have to change their description of the war as 'a small-scale, old-fashioned centre of activity set in some of the most delightful woodland and hill scenery in the unspoilt central region of ancient Yugoslavia' to 'an ugly modern monstrosity within easy reach of nowhere'
Hoover plc
All refugees would be promised a free flight out. They wouldn't get it
Paddy Ashdown
Lord Owen would get a free flight home
Rupert Murdoch
Every young Bosnian girl would be forcibly obliged against her will to buy a dish from BSkyB
Daily Mirror
Anyone in the war who had even had the slightest left-wing leanings would be put up against a wall and fired
Jeffrey Archer
The war would develop at a cracking pace, but there wouldn't be a single interesting character on either side
The International
Olympic Committee
They would announce that the war had been a great success and would be fought all over again in four years' time, in Manchester or whoever paid the most money
The MCC
The manager of the team would blame all setbacks in the war on Bosnian and Croatian food, on the standard of UN umpiring and on the disgraceful condition of the Bosnian terrain. Still, at least David Gower wouldn't get involved
Norman Lamont
He would tell us that all conditions were now in place to make for the right circumstances which would lead to the correct factors coming into play to ensure that the war would take a turn for the better almost any day now, really
Margaret Thatcher
Bombs would by now be falling on Brussels
Natwest
Both sides would be told they had been made bankrupt overnight, and would then get a bill for thousands of pounds to cover the cost of telling them (see the Natwest booklet: Starting Your Own Small War - How We Can Help To Make Money Out Of It)
Buckingham Palace
The whole place would have gone up in flames long ago
Hallmark Cards
To Bosnian, Serb,
Muslim, Croat,
Come these greetings
From our poet
E'en though gunshots
May disturb,
We wish you well,
Croat and Serb.
On this very
Special day,
Keep on bombing
All the way -
From now till 1994
Have a really lovely war]
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