Trump’s secret second administration plans, from Karen Pence as AG to Rudy Giuliani heading up the CIA

As Trump keeps denying the reality of Joe Biden’s (merciful) victory, his administration continues to govern as if they will continue to hold office beyond Inauguration Day. But what could a second Trump administration look like? It may well be an unmitigated disaster that would make the last four years look tame. I’ve imagined the worst-case scenario here so you don’t have to.

Department of Justice

Bill Barr — having outlived his usefulness due to Trump’s re-election — will be replaced by Karen Pence. Not because Mrs Pence has the requisite qualifications, but because she represents what Trump considers to be America’s most oppressed demographic: Karens. 

Who better than Karen Pence for this role? She’s by far the most Karen Karen of all the Karens. As new Attorney General, Karen Pence will seek to right many of America’s historic wrongs: for starters, she’ll fine Home Depot for not having an express checkout lane for those who have complained to the manager. She’ll also move to outlaw the letters B, L and M because they illegally entered the English language from Spanish.

In exchange for being nominated for the Attorney General position, Karen Pence will enable Donald Trump to repay his loans to Deutsche Bank by helping him sue Don Jr for illegally licensing his name. “I like people who don’t copy names,” the 45th President will say in a sworn affidavit, before quickly retracting the statement in order to avoid letting Eric Trump conclude that not being named Donald would help him earn his father’s approval.

Department of Commerce

Wilbur Ross will give Netflix tax credits to produce a movie about Stephen Miller that documents his teenage years spent patrolling the border as a vigilante vampire in search of immigrant blood to suck on. Ross is bullish about the success of this movie — dubbed “Defending The American Dream, Stephen Miller: The Origin Story” — since Mark Zuckerberg has already agreed to promote it on Facebook and Instagram via the hashtag #immigrantssuck.

In exchange for promoting this hashtag, Trump will call in a favor from Rupert Murdoch who will officially adopt Zuck as his son and heir-apparent, thus solidifying a brave new empire. This move, of course, will be a bitter blow to Tucker Carlson and Don Jr, two lost souls in search of a purpose and a father.

Department of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin’s second term priority will be the creation of new paper currency. The new bills will have a portrait of Donald Trump on the obverse, and a picture of Trump Tower and Mar-A-Lago on the reverse. They will be issued in convenient $750 and $130,000 denominations and will be legal tender only to repay Trump’s debt.

Department of Education

Trump will prioritize education in his second term along two dimensions. First, he will appoint David Duke as Secretary of Education to promote patriotic education as a thanks for endorsing him twice in a row (Duke said just before the 2020 election that Trump and Tucker Carlson were the only thing stopping America being run by “commie Bolsheviks”.)

Second, he will nationalize US education standards by replacing teachers with Fox News shows.

Instead of English, students will watch Lou Dobbs Tonight to see a physical manifestation of “fealty”. Instead of drama lessons, students will watch Tucker Carlson Tonight to understand how to channel anger and appear sincere. In addition, PE will be taught by the NRA. Math will be canceled because Trump’s brilliance cannot be quantified. Science classes will also be canceled because they’re biased against conservatives.

Central Intelligence Agency

In conventional administrations, the CIA is tasked with analyzing threats to America’s national security. But since Trump doesn’t care about threats to the US (see “Covid-19”), he’ll appoint Rudy Giuliani to lead the CIA.

Under Giuliani’s leadership, nothing will be secret, so the CIA will have to take a break from sponsoring coups and will instead answer important questions like: “Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?”, “Does the Q in QAnon live on Avenue Q?”, and, “Can we make Mexico pay for Melania’s divorce demands even though she’s not Mexican?”

Department of Energy

Trump will appoint Ben Carson to be the new Secretary of Energy in a bid to wake him up. As Secretary of Energy, Carson will oversee the US nuclear program. There’s no better wake-up call than that!

Department of Labor

Trump will appoint Ivanka as the new Secretary of Labor. Her mission will be to promote C-sections in order to reduce the amount of time women spend in labor so that they can return to the workforce as quickly as possible, perhaps even from within the operating theater.

Ivanka will argue that the C in C-section stands for “convenience” and will expect universal praise for ensuring that every hospital in America has a plentiful supply of Goya beans.

Department of Capital Owners

To maintain relevance and viewership numbers, Sean Hannity and Tomi Lahren will have to invent new grievances to complain about under a second Trump administration. Their chief complaint will be the fact that a capitalist country with a Department of Labor represents a dangerous slide towards communism. 

Sensitive to the musings of his shadow cabinet on Fox, Trump will create a new Department of Capital Owners which will replace the Department of Health and Human Services. According to Trump, HHS will no longer be needed since Covid has magically disappeared. The department will be led by Barron Trump because it would be unfair to exclude him from the nepotism that the rest of the Trump clan enjoys.

Department of State 

Trump will abolish this department and replace it with a “States-Who-Voted-For-Me Department”. He will pledge to appoint Newt Gingrich, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan and a random straight, rich, white male (chosen by lottery) as ambassadors to blue states “within two weeks” but won’t follow through, giving New York and California the soft secession they’d been hoping for. Because even soft coups have silver linings.