My kids are coming of age during the Trump presidency. I've started using his speeches for lessons on propaganda

Growing up I was taught the importance of being an informed participant in democracy. In high school I was assigned things like watching the State of the Union address and reporting about it the next day. In the age of Trump, though, these kinds of civics lessons are more complicated and as a parent, I find myself wondering if it's requisite for kids to listen to presidential addresses in real time when the president's speeches are nothing more than predictable and inflammatory propaganda.

Watching or listening to a president's addresses in full can offer a unique opportunity to hear our kids' responses and to engage in conversation without the backdrop of other commentaries. In the past, it was my habit to watch live addresses with my kids. We talked about all kinds of things like the topic the president was addressing, the different branches of government, who was in the room and why, and the historical significance of certain speeches.

My oldest was six in 2008 when Barack Obama was first elected president. He wasn't awake for his victory speech, but we rewatched it together in its entirety, excitedly discussing the historical nature of the speech from our first black president-elect. We talked about our nation's ugly history with slavery, segregation, and ongoing racism. We discussed the significance of such a win for black people, for our country, and for the world.

Lately, I've been considering what role we should play, as parents, in a crumbling democracy. How do I convey to my kids why a president with racist, xenophobic, transphobic, and sexist views could follow a president that represented hope and progress and who put forth policies that advanced equality? How do I explain why one president speaks respectfully and in a dignified manner while the next rants on social media and at press conferences like a toddler with no restraint – all while feeling like I'm tumbling backward from the force of it all?

Most of us hung our hats on the idea that checks and balances would save us from any threat of a president with tyrannical tendencies, but adults are now sitting in our own strange civics class. In the past it was a lot easier to explain the branches of government to our children and how each balanced the other. Now, though, we're learning ourselves — by immersion — that when the legislative branch refuses to hold the executive branch accountable and the judicial branch is stacked in a president's favor, those balances don't actually hold much weight at all. Questionable executive orders can be written and illogical emergency orders declared; they go unchallenged when an entire party is power-hungry and complicit.

It can be difficult to have a productive conversation with kids during a speech while being lied to or inflamed or being told reality isn't as it seems. There's so much to unpack from a single comment. Take the one Trump made about abortion during the State of the Union speech, when he said, “All children, born and unborn, are made in the holy image of God.” The implications of that sentence, alone, are far-reaching for people who can get pregnant, for those who work at abortion clinics, and for the way it centers a religious ethos in government and policy. Where you even begin exploring all of that depends on how old your child is and how long their attention span is. And that's just a single sentence.

Trump has been referred to as the “Gaslighter in Chief” because of those kinds of maneuvers. For those of us who have endured that kind of emotional abuse in our lives, that familiar tactic can stir up all kinds of emotions that are rooted in trauma. Personally, I need time and space to process and compartmentalize my feelings before trying to engage with my children on what was said and what it all means.

My older kids are coming of age during the Trump presidency and I've personally decided to let go of the idea that I should watch or listen to Trump's speeches with them. A civics lesson that has worked for our family involves summarizing his talks and discussing things like how propaganda works, the discrepancies in the president's assertions, and how his policies and words have harmed people. We're learning a lot of things together and these conversations are ones that we build on over months and years.

Parents should do what they feel capable of. For some, watching in full or in real time is a valuable experience, but for me, I'm done beating myself up over the idea that I'm setting a bad example when I change the station rather than endure the sharp edges of Trump's words.

I still hold tight to teaching my kids about being an informed participant in democracy. The state of our country is ours to understand; it's ours to fix. But we can't fix anything if we're depleted ourselves.

When we choose to listen and engage at a time and space that feels mutual, when we're all feeling calm, when we're able to breathe without getting caught up in all of the what-if's, we're modeling boundary-setting and self-care. Those skills are necessary if we expect our participation to be sustainable. And those lessons are also important for my kids to understand.