I've had a sneak peek at Trump's points-based immigration plan — and it's pretty wild

The Trump administration announced plans to overhaul US immigration policy this week, in a bid to transition from a system that promotes family-based migration to one that emphasizes skills. The administration is proposing a points-based system to evaluate aspiring migrants along four dimensions: skills, finances, English-speaking ability, and civics knowledge.

No one has yet seen the specific test which Trump wants to be applied, although a draft written by Jared and Ivanka Trump was leaked to the press last night. Luckily your correspondent has seen the leak and can report on its contents:

Welcome to the US Immigration Test

This test is not for white males. If you are a white male, head directly to Go, collect $200 and enjoy your monopoly over industries in the United States.

This test is not for black males. If you are a black male, go directly to jail, do not pass go, and do not collect $200.

Everyone else must take the test. Note: Lying on this test is permitted if your name is Sarah, Kelly or Anne. Otherwise lying is not permitted. Unless your name is Conrad, in which case you’ll be pardoned.

This test is divided into four — just like the country.

Skills

• How did you get into college?

◦ Sterling academic record: 2 points

◦ Star athlete: 6 points

◦ Donations to rowing team coach: 12 points

• Which college did you go to?

◦ Harvard: 4 points

◦ UPenn: 10 points

◦ Trump University: 12 points

• What is your profession?

◦ Brain surgeon: 1 point

◦ Nuclear physicist: 2 points

◦ Coal miner: 12 points

Finances

• How much can you contribute to the Very Stable Genius Fund?

◦ $1m: 2 points

◦ $2m: 4 points

◦ All back taxes: 12 points

• Tariffs on trade with China are now 25 per cent because:

◦ We need to show we mean business: 4 points

◦ It’s time to get tough on China: 8 points

◦ Trump was convinced to lower rates down from “infinity and beyond” after he got Trade Rep Rob Lighthizer confused with Buzz Lightyear: 12 points

• Will you file taxes individually or as a couple?

◦ Individually: 1 point

◦ As a couple: 2 points

◦ I’ll divorce when I find someone younger: 12 points

English-speaking ability

• Nancy Pelosi’s nickname should be:

◦ “Mancy”: 2 points

◦ “Not a 10”: 4 points

◦ Crowdsourced on Funnyordie.com: 12 points

• What’s the most intelligent thing to do when your back is against the wall?

◦ Formulate a plan: 6 points

◦ Leverage new resources: 8 points

◦ Invent the Bowling Green massacre: 12 points

The biggest overhaul to the test is the Civics section - which has been expanded and politicised.

Civics

• If you enter the US by crossing the Southern border, you are defined as:

◦ An asylum seeker: 0 points

◦ Lost: 2 points

◦ A bad hombre: 12 points

• Ideally, children should be:

◦ Cherished: 2 points

◦ Loved: 4 points

◦ Caged: 12 points

• Iran is a problem because:

◦ The Iranian people aren’t free: 4 points

◦ Iran threatens American allies and interests in the Middle East: 6 points

◦ Ayatollahs are hiding uranium in their beards: 12 points

• The news media is:

◦ Protected by the First Amendment: 2 points

◦ Fake: 8 points

◦ A hard place to be a white man: 12 points

• The Muslim ban is:

◦ Constitutional: 4 points

◦ Very legal and very cool: 6 points

◦ Really designed to keep Angela Merkel out of America: 12 points

• The Mueller report was:

◦ Boring because it lacked a colouring section: 4 points

◦ Whatever William Barr said: 6 points

◦ TOTAL EXONERATION: 12 points

• Intelligence briefings come from:

◦ Fox and Friends: 4 points

◦ John Bolton’s moustache: 6 points

◦ The kid who mowed the White House lawn: 12 points

• Rapists are:

◦ From Mexico: 4 points

◦ From other Mexican countries: 6 points

◦ Made up by the Democrats to score political points: 12 points

• The First Daughter is:

◦ A good spokesperson: 4 points

◦ An important adviser: 8 points

◦ A piece of ass: 12 points

• The Me Too movement describes:

◦ A movement against sexual assault: 4 points

◦ Bill de Blasio’s run for president: 8 points

◦ What Eric says when he wants attention: 12 points

• Senator Lindsey Graham is someone:

◦ Who has forgotten John McCain: 4 points

◦ Who is loyal to the president: 8 points

◦ The future of the Republican Party: 12 points

• Guns are:

◦ Protected by the Second Amendment: 4 points

◦ Not at all dangerous: 10 points

◦ Republicans’ version of abortion: 12 points

• Diplomacy is:

◦ A way to conduct affairs between nations: 4 points

◦ Secondary to defence: 8 points

◦ Something you can sell to the highest-bidding Saudi prince: 12 points

• A wall is:

◦ An impenetrable barrier: 6 points

◦ A way to control immigration: 8 points

◦ Part of my marriage: 12 points

Thank you for taking the US Immigration test. You won’t ever receive your results because this test is a ruse. We don’t really want immigration — suckers!

Ali-Asghar is a freelance satire writer living in New York, who tweets @AbediAA