Of course Trump is spending lots of time with the Queen — they have a lot to discuss about hereditary rule

He’s back: President Trump is in London for a state visit this week. Sadly, based on his comments thus far, Trump appears to be confused by British customs and traditions. Case in point: he’s already raised a few eyebrows by describing Meghan Markle as “nasty”. He’s also expressed frustration that he won’t get to ride to Buckingham Palace in a horse-drawn carriage, as this marks the first time in his presidency that he’s not been able to successfully revert to 1950s norms. Rumor has it that he only calmed down when told that riding in his limo would emit more carbon.

Despite a lack of carriage, Trump will nevertheless meet with the Queen. We can safely presume that he’s keen to learn how to perpetuate hereditary rule, get his image on currency and get his name into the national anthem (that could be the only way he learns the lyrics.)

Trump will also meet Theresa May in the waning days of her premiership; though of course we can presume that they’ll stay away from the “no-go area” of Birmingham. Perhaps Sajid Javid will catapult himself into position of Conservative party leadership frontrunner by offering to build a wall round the city and send the bill to Pakistan.

Trump isn’t constrained by his lack of understanding of the UK; he’s using this state visit to try to influence UK affairs. He’s already thrown his weight behind Boris Johnson’s bid for Tory party leadership — though we should have seen that coming a mile off when the two right-wingers started coordinating hairstyles. While he was Mayor of London in 2015, of course, BoJo said he “wouldn’t want to expose Londoners to any unnecessary risk of meeting Donald Trump” in the same speech that he referred to the President as “clearly out of his mind”, “playing the game of terrorists” and “betraying a quite stupefying ignorance” as well as referring to him as “frankly unfit to hold the office of President of the United States” — but maybe he meant he actually meant “I think Donald Trump is an intelligent, sensible man who should definitely remain leader of the free world.” I often mix up those two sentences too.

Weighing in on Britain’s notoriously ham-fisted exit from the European Union, Trump has helpfully suggested that Nigel Farage negotiate the UK’s Brexit deal. That’s the kind of lateral thinking the UK needs, so it’s good he put it forward. Billionaire Trump and privately educated stockbroker’s son Farage know what people want and stand against the established elites, which is why they posed in a gold elevator together last time they hung out and why they’re both guaranteed to deliver successful trade deals that put the working people of their respective countries first.

I imagine Trump could also point his friend Nigel in the direction of his divorce lawyers from 1992. “I know what it takes to divorce from Europe. I know a lot about divorce, I had the best divorce,” the president undoubtedly told his political friend, citing his split from his Czech first wife Ivana.

True to form, Trump is recommending the UK pursue a union with a younger, hotter country instead: the United States. However, negotiations on a potential US-UK trade agreement are reportedly off to a bad start, since Britain is refusing to take back James Corden and Nick Clegg.