The reaction to Trump’s announcement wasn’t what he’d hoped — at all. What a shame
Don’t worry, at least you still have QAnon and J.D. Vance! Maybe!
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Your support makes all the difference.Donald — suppose you gave a big speech announcing you were running for president, and nobody really cared? What if it was a speech that both your daughters skipped, and even your oldest son missed due to a “hunting trip”? A speech even your pals at Fox News cut away from, with other major networks airing instead programs like “Bachelor in Paradise”? And then what if the speech itself was so lacking in luster that Sarah Matthews, your own deputy press secretary, called it “one of the most low-energy, uninspiring speeches I’ve ever heard from Trump. Even the crowd seems bored. Not exactly what you want when announcing a presidential run”?
Well, it happened, Donald. You may stand accused of sedition and obstruction of justice and fraud, but we all know the worst crime of all is being blah. You’d think after most of your anointed candidates from Cloud Cuckooland got clobbered in the midterms, you’d have known you needed to bring your A-Game to the stage at Mar-a-lago last night.
Instead, we got the dreaded Teleprompter Don, with that sing-songy, almost sleep-inducing delivery. Oh, you mentioned all that blood running in American streets thanks to the Dems, and the laughingstock we all supposedly are overseas since you left office. But we could tell your heart just wasn’t in it. Where was that wild, riled-up guy we saw at all those rallies? The guy who’d shout and sputter about dark states and border walls until his orange skin turned bright red? Frankly, you seemed more like a tired old codger who’d rather be golfing even more frequently, were it not for your insatiable thirst for the power and attention only being Leader of the Free World commands.
So here we are: you, “Florida Man” (as the New York Post mockingly called you this morning), have made your “big announcement,” and it’s probably too late to say “Just kidding!” We’d suggest you step aside and let that nice Ron DeSantis have a turn, but we know that would be fruitless. Your old buddy Kayleigh McEnany just called DeSantis’ message “positive, it was sunny, it was forward-looking. It needs to be the future message for the party,” but we do realize Ron’s a threat to your ego, and thus permanently on your You Stink list. So we’re probably all of us stuck (including you and possibly Melania) with two more years of a Trump 2024 campaign.
While you face an uphill battle for sure, there are still a few things to be grateful for. You’ll always have QAnon. Right? Right? We must say we were a bit surprised when their dystopian theme song didn’t play last night, though. And alt-right Pizzagate conspiracy theorist Mike Cernovich must have disappointed you when he wrote: “Losing always sucks, but at least no one has to suck up to Trump anymore. He’s going to feel the vibe shift real quick.” No one to suck up to you anymore? Say it ain’t so! Don’t worry, at least you still have J.D. Vance! Maybe!
The GOP is now, by most calculations, a bunch of losers, and we know how much you hate being around those. We honestly think it’s time for a GNP (Grand NEW Party), to go along with your snappy Truth Social platform. Third-party candidates have traditionally not won much of anything on a national scale, but then you’re no ordinary third-party candidate. All you need to do is take your shrinking base and just add a mere 50 or 60 million more, and you’re golden.
As for your “theme,” I think you picked a winner with last night’s “Things are really bad and they’re going to get a whole lot worse, and then you’ll come crawling back to me.” Ah, something to hope for! People do seem to be wearying of your constant whining and rehashing of 2020, however, so instead why not just start whining and “pre-hashing” about the 2024 election results? Or even 2028? Sometimes just changing a few words makes all the difference.
If you keep up with that excellent diet and exercise regimen (fending off federal charges is a great calorie-burner!) there’s no reason you can’t keep running and running and running until you either keel over or win decisively one of these years. But, Donald, you really need to put a little more oomph into your presentations. Ivanka isn’t around to tell you, so let me do it: Pretend to Give a Damn! If you’re feeling indifferent, just imagine the world feeling indifferent about YOU. Think about all those other, younger, more charismatic politicians nipping at your heels. Work yourself up into a lather on a regular basis, just to show you still care.
Thanks for hanging in, Donald, and remember — a dwindling percentage of the American public is rooting for you!