The ‘trad wife’ lifestyle is a dangerous fantasy

Remember the past? Wasn’t it great? Not like now, the terrible present, where everything is awful, and politicians are corrupt, and people are mad at each other all the time. Why yes, I did fail my history GCSE, how did you know?

No wonder so many men are turning to women like Hannah Neeleman, aka “Ballerina Farm”, who styles herself as a “trad wife” – a very particular type of female influencer who respects her man, looks after her kids, and does all the other things that women are supposed to do. It’s big business, too – Neeleman has managed to cultivate a following of around 17 million people across her TikTok and Instagram accounts.

A profile of Neeleman published in The Times has sparked a debate about the “trad” lifestyle which is currently raging across the internet, with proponents arguing that it’s a good model for female modesty in an age of excess, and opponents pointing out that we actually live in the 21st century, believe it or not. See, I wasn’t lying about people being mad all the time.

In particular, people are upset about the specifics of Neeleman’s lifestyle. She describes at one point how she cooks every meal from scratch, and “sometimes gets so ill from exhaustion that she can’t get out of bed for a week”. She also gave birth to seven of her eight children at home without the aid of painkillers – the one exception was born in a hospital with the aid of an epidural, an experience Neeleman describes (in hushed tones, so her husband doesn’t overhear) as “great”.

Of course, not all so-called “trad wives” go to the same lengths as Neeleman. Despite encouraging the lifestyle, there’s nothing particularly “trad” about the way some of these women present themselves online. They talk at length about being “homesteaders”, usually sprinkling in romantic notions of living on farms, raising animals, eating an all-natural diet, and sewing their own clothes.

It’s a far cry from what you see in some of their videos – modern kitchens and appliances, expensive ingredients, glamorous (store-bought) outfits. That’s not even to mention the fact that many of them don’t even live on farms, or aren’t married, or any of the other things they espouse the virtues of – they are, in effect, playing dress up. Many of them sell “trad”, vintage-inspired products through their websites so that you, too, can live out your mildest dreams.

But that’s not the point, really, is it? These women aren’t trying to provide an instruction manual about how to live “traditionally” – they’re there to feed a particular conservative male fantasy where the woman is submissive, the surroundings are beautiful, and everything is easy (for men, at least).

It’s the same reason all of them dress like they just stepped out of 1950s suburban America while supposedly living like 17th-century pilgrims – they’re engaging in exactly the same rhetoric that politicians like Donald Trump do when they harken back to the mythical, nebulous “good old days”. When exactly were the good old days? What made them so good? You fill in the blanks – it means whatever turns you on. Feed your fantasy.

And when I say fantasy, I really do mean fantasy. You wouldn’t believe how many sex workers, particularly on OnlyFans, adopt a “trad wife” persona to move subscriptions. That isn’t a judgement, by the way – if there’s demand for a service and you have the means to provide it, that’s just good business – but it certainly upsets the narrative that the lifestyle is exclusively about traditional, conservative values. It definitely supports the notion that the lifestyle is, above all else, fetishistic to some degree.

More troubling is the fact that, as is often the case with modern conservative movements, the “trad” lifestyle comes with its share of problematic elements.

On top of the sexism inherent with a lifestyle brand that tells women to stay in the kitchen, many trad wife influencers also engage in troubling anti-LGBT+ rhetoric (disguised as pro-family values), racism (disguised as a return to community), and bizarre conspiracy theories (disguised as all-natural, independent living). Viewers are often encouraged to homeschool their children, “live off the grid”, not take vaccines, not trust the government, not trust doctors, give birth in their bedrooms, and vote for cranks.

But even if that last part wasn’t the case, it’s still a dangerous thing to promote. In a world of Andrew Tates and Donald Trumps attacking women’s autonomy, the last thing we need is for some of those women to stand up and say “autonomy is overrated”.

Perhaps what’s most troubling about this whole thing is that there’s a market for it in the first place. Men – young men especially – feel like they’ve lost control of their lives. They’re lonely, they’re angry, and they’re a little pathetic. No wonder they’re so responsive to a movement that lets them live out a fantasy version of the world where they get to be the big man in charge – after all, many of them know deep down that they never will.

If that sounds harmless, consider the mass shootings perpetrated by self-described “incels”, or the soaring rates of violence against women and girls. That’s what happens when fantasy bumps up against reality: something has to give way – and it’s rarely reality. That breeds resentment, and anger, and a bunch of other horrible toxic things we don’t need any more of right now. None of this is even to mention the fact that women who become actual trad wives, such as Neeleman, may find that they’ve signed themselves up for an experience that was mis-sold to them.

If these women want to engage in a little role-play to boost their engagement figures, all power to them. If they want to actually live that lifestyle, fine. But they should be honest about what they’re doing, and they should acknowledge what the reality of that kind of life actually looks like. Live your life however you want to live it, but don’t help trap other people in a life they didn’t sign up for.