‘Tablescaping’ is the latest trend you’ve never heard of – and it’s coming to ruin your Christmas

Sometimes you read about the new latest thing and you have to check the date in case it’s 1 April and someone has pulled a fast one on you.

“Tablescaping” is such a thing. I first heard the word about a week ago and since then it’s rapidly been creeping into the bloodstream of our vocabulary. Within a couple of years it might even sound normal.

Tablescaping is the art of laying a table, but not just with knives, forks, spoons and napkins but with other more exciting trinkets and folderol. Because these days it’s not sufficient to check your cutlery for bits of dried egg, sling a few raffia mats down, dig out that packet of dinosaur-themed kids-party napkins and bung a couple of tea lights on a saucer. Who wants to Instagram that?

The best-dressed tables this season are apparently colour coordinated and themed to within an inch of their lives – think a state banquet at Buckingham Palace, or maybe tea time at Posh and Becks?

Trouble is, we mere mortals don’t have all the decorating stuff we might need to hand, we don’t have a room shelved with 18th-century crystal, golden goblets or glitter reindeer. Most of us, when it comes to table settings for celebrations, are counting out the cracked plates and wondering if anyone would really mind eating off a Frisbee?

I remember trying to make an Xmas table look more festive by draping the thing in a king-size double sheet, unfortunately, I didn’t have a sheet that wasn’t smeared with some ghost of a questionable stain. May I just say right now that one of the great perks of the menopause is that one’s sheets remain pristine, month in month out – see ladies, there are some silver linings to getting older.

For years now, cushions have had the monopoly when it comes to accessorising our homes, there are trillions of them falling off beds and making it impossible to sit on sofas. Well, they’ve had their day folks. This season is all about your table: are you going rustic or glam? Will you be opting for chunky earthenware hand-thrown Scandi-style peasant plates or delicate porcelain numbers? Are we talking bone or leather napkin rings, pink Himalayan sea salt in sea shells or Kala Namak (look it up) in a petri dish?

For those who want to get competitive over the dining room table but can’t quite fathom how to do it, fear not, there are now professional companies who will box up an entire “look” for any number of place settings with additional options such as name cards and customized menus.

A quick internet search for such a company will quickly take you to an American dinner party set-up backed by Gwyneth Paltrow and Reece Witherspoon (obviously), called “Social Studies”, who offer ten different tablescapes including “Prep Rally” (described as classic American prep with a new attitude) which turns out to be an odd mix of green cabbage-veined plates, clumps of white coral and yellow ranunculi! Or you could opt for “Provence”, complete with sheaves of lavender and sliced agate coasters to ensure a little bit of French je ne sais quoi to your supper party. Obviously, what begins in America inevitably makes it’s way over here and similar companies are beginning to spring up in the UK.

The mind boggles really, doesn’t it?

Hiring table settings costs around $30-$50 per head, now personally most of my guests would rather I spend that on booze.

Of course, you can always DIY and I reckon great festive fun could be had this holiday season by planning a few tablescapes of your own. Couples heading for a divorce could serve everything on pre-smashed up crockery with witty little “his” and “mine” stickers attached to the glasses and candlesticks. Or you could always choose the theme “too knackered to be arsed”, as we often do chez Eclair, and serve ready meals in their foil cartons on knees in front of the telly. Here’s a handy hint, in lieu of lap trays we usually improvise with a sturdy magazine, maybe you could let your guests choose their own from the pile next to the sofa?

With Christmas coming, you could always opt to attend a Christmas table-centre workshop, yes these things exist at £110 a pop from the esteemed Petersham nurseries in Covent Garden – (including light refreshments and a take home display) £110! For that, I’d want an oven-ready turkey included.

Cynicism aside, isn’t there something appealing about occasionally making an effort? It reminds me of being a child back in the Sixties and my mother pushing the boat out on Christmas Day and decorating the table with those posh, slim red candles and holly-patterned serviettes. So, while one side of me is sneering like crazy, the other side is festooning fairy lights around a giant cactus, spraying pine cones and writing place names in gold ink on mussel shells.

So will my inner tablescaper be unleashed in time for Christmas, hmmm? Only time and my Instagram account will tell.