The truth is out there: We can all calm down about ‘spy balloons’

In what may prove to be the first move in a gentle process of revealing that we’re not being threatened by a superior race of beings from outer space, President Biden – looking more and more like a typecast Hollywood veteran actor having trouble remembering his lines – told us that the big one was Chinese, but that the little ones weren’t, well, anyone’s really. But, never fear: if there’s an unidentified aerial object up there, “I will take it down”.

It’d be a nice gesture for the people of London to send the Trump nappy-wearing baby inflatable from the time the 45th president came over to meet the Queen a few years ago back across the pond, wouldn’t it? Ol’ Joe could personally take a few shots at it.

So what are these flying aerial mysteries? John Kirby, a spokesman for the president, also indicated the other day that maybe those notorious “alien” balloons (sorry “airborne objects”) aren’t intent on a real-life re-make of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Independence Day or E.T the Extra-Terrestrial, but in fact harmless civilian dirigibles that have gone astray.

There’s no indication, apparently, that the three unidentified flying objects shot out of the sky over the weekend by the US Air Force are linked to alleged Chinese spying; or, indeed, from a distant galaxy, but they are “tied to commercial or research entities and therefore benign”.

The early “big balloon”, to give it its secret code name, may well have seemed a bit dodgy, in other words – but at least Earth isn’t being invaded. Phew!

It’s a bit of a let down, really. Pardon the pun. One of the many entertaining aspects of what may soon come to be called “Balloongate” was its literal other-worldly quality. Real-life White House staffers mouthing words that might be lifted from the opening scenes of a Hollywood script, such as when White House press secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, made her jolly little joke. As Mark Kermode always says, here’s a clip:

Jean-Pierre: Again, there is no indication of aliens or [extra]terrestrial activity with these recent takedowns. Wanted to make sure that the American people knew that, all of you knew that. And it was important for us to say that from here, because we’ve been hearing a lot about it.

Reporter: Are you disappointed by that?

Jean-Pierre: I — I’m not — (laughter) —

Reporter: Would you tell us if there were, really?

Jean-Pierre: I’m just — you know, I loved “E.T.,” the movie. But I’m gone — I’m just going to leave it there. (Laughter)

*CUT TO SPACESHIP*

E.T. family, Darth Vader and their storm trooper associates, the Cadbury’s Smash robots, on board alien spaceship made to resemble harmless balloon: “Are we there yet? Shall we phone home now? Shall we smash them with our metal spoons?”

And what would happen when the aliens landed on Earth? What if they landed outside the next SNP or Tory conference and they demanded “take us to your leader”? Chaos! What would they make of us lot, a supposedly intelligent life form busily trashing the climate so that our home planet becomes uninhabitable?

In old sci fi series, notably the period when John Pertwee played Doctor Who, the storylines sometimes featured an alien race such as the Sontarans or the Sea Devils turning up on lovely planet Earth because their own rock was running out of air or water. The Doctor and his colleagues had to somehow repel them (this was also because the BBC at the time couldn’t afford to build sets resembling other worlds). Doctor Who and The Deadly Balloons from the Red Planet would easily have been commissioned.

I, for one, am certainly hoping that when they fish the debris out of Lake Huron and elsewhere, the scientists will discover — Roswell Incident-style — the remains of some weird life-form, and we will use our own advanced technology to read its mind and learn from the wisdom thus released.

It will surely lead us to the conclusion that Twitter is a cesspit, burning fossil fuels was, in retrospect, a daft idea, and Boris Johnson isn’t to be trusted. The truth is out there.