Watch out – there’s a new kind of ‘softboi’ in town. Here’s how to spot one

We are living through an algorithmically organised age of natural wine and dating apps – at least, you are if you’re a “zillennial” (the cusp between Gen Z and millennial), like me.

Let me paint you a picture: we all know at least one polyamorous person who only wears vintage designer clothes and who somehow knows every niche wine bar, from Dalston to London Fields. You’ll find them DJ-ing the odd flat party and you’ll never get a response on Hinge, just this “prompt” on their dating profile: “Looking for a chill gal who’s after some casual fun.”

In 2024, the “softboi” (slang for someone who claims to have deep and meaningful feelings, while refusing to commit – and I believe this term to be gender neutral) looks like this: they state an affinity for a “chilled natty red”, wear a hoop earring, have patchwork tattoos… oh, and one last thing: they’re often “ENM” (that’s ethically non-monogamous). They date widely and don’t want to settle down.

But why the strange intersection between natural wine and polyamory – and the ubiquitous mention of both at once on dating apps?

Here’s what I think is going on: the “softboi” stereotype has changed and developed; morphing into a description of people of all genders and sexualities who cherry-pick information in order to utilise a “trend” to their benefit – aka finding dates. And it’s not that polyamory or natural wine are truly new “trends”, either – they’re just popular in the social media landscape right now, which makes them the perfect target for the modern softboi.

Yes, this “new look” softboi often has a primary partner that they use as a safety net – yet they still trawl the apps, benefitting from a near-limitless pool of new suitors, often with little (if any) proper accountability. And in my opinion, this is where we’re going wrong with modern dating. Poly connections should operate in a similar manner to monogamous connections, with the same requirements: communication, directness and honesty.

Here’s the thing: in today’s digital world of alternative relationship dynamics, many – including me – find they’re connecting with people who already have their primary partner(s) and are just looking for “something casual”. All of which is completely fine, of course – as long as you’re on the same page. But it can have a negative, even damaging effect if you’re not – specifically if the person you “match” with isn’t transparent. In that case, you simply end up feeling cast aside for the next “shiny new thing”.

I was once on a date with someone who confessed that until they meet a “match” in real life, they don’t see them as an “actual person”. I type this sighing over my keyboard… alas, this is the depressing side of our digital dating culture. These days we are seen as no more than a curated profile, never mind a human with a beating heart.

But what’s behind this phenomenon? Is it simply carelessness due to dating fatigue, thanks to the abundance of options – we swipe left, swipe right (and if we miss out there’s always another profile) – or is there something more sinister at play?

Susanna Schrobsdorff touched on this when she wrote that “[since] the people we meet on apps are not in our social circles, we feel we have the freedom to do what we want without consequence, even if it’s hurtful”.

I get it. In the past, I’ve been made to feel my enthusiastic response is “too much” when someone I’ve been dating suddenly drops off the face of the Earth and I find myself “left on read”. In our fast-paced online landscape, emotions seem to suddenly lack value, because we aren’t “betrothed” to anyone. We are disposable, interchangeable – and made to feel that this response is “normal”.

Once, I was on a date and it wasn’t until the end of a bottle of orange wine (of course) that I discovered the person I was with already had a “primary partner”. Oh, but not to worry! She explained they had a loophole: “We could go to a sex party together” and “that would be OK”.

So, if the new version of the “softboi” is the person who uses natural wine as a hook to expand their dating pool, why aren’t they being upfront about it? Poly daters embrace honesty from other types of daters – we all do. Our individual choices are our own. The thing I take issue with is those who omit the truth, or who cherry-pick parts of a connection in order to solely benefit them. Here, we see the “trendy” version of polyamory, which doesn’t do this type of relationship justice.

Perhaps our fast-paced digital landscape is to blame. We are bombarded with so much information that we don’t often see the full picture, let alone understand it. There’s so much more to polyamory or natural wine than a casual “trend”. Yet people often “pick and choose” the parts they want, without putting dedicated time or thought into it.

Being poly isn’t a new trend at all, in fact. It became much more well known in the mainstream in the 1970s, but it’s been around as long as... well, as long as humans have. It’s hard to define and entirely nuanced. And this is exactly the same as natural wine – which critic Marian Bull describes as “more of a concept than a well-defined category with agreed-upon characteristics”.

At this point, I must declare that despite all of my griping about “natural wine”… I am one of its biggest fans. It used to be featured in my dating profile and even my SpareRoom ad (which is actually how I got my flat). Many daters, including me, initiate “natural wine” as a stepping stone to finding the elusive “spark” because it shows a shared interest.

But there’s a difference between really loving and embracing a lifestyle, and co-opting certain parts of it for your own gain. Whatever your life (and love) choices, be upfront. Hold steadfast to curiosity, be brave – and be as honest and transparent as the Chin Chin in your glass.

Lauren Bulla is a writer, poet and interdisciplinary artist, living in London from NC. Find her on Instagram or Substack