I am the mother of an Isis fighter who died in Syria. This is my message to Shamima Begum and her family

With coverage of Shamima Begum dominating headlines, and debate about her return to the United Kingdom taking over social media, my thoughts turn towards her family here in the UK. Like them, my child chose the wrong path. Like Shamima, my son’s vulnerabilities were exploited by evil Isis terrorists who persuaded him to travel to Syria.

Not a day goes by when I don’t ask myself if I could have, or should have, done more to spot the signs that my son Rasheed was at risk.

Looking back there were subtle clues that he was being radicalised: my funny, light-hearted boy slowly turned into an aloof 18-year-old. He was feeling low and unfulfilled at work. He wanted to change his clothing to a more devout form of Islamic dress, growing out his sleek haircut into an unruly mane. It was these vulnerabilities, among others, that were exploited by Isis, which had developed sophisticated techniques to groom and exploit young people.

Some of the signs are clearer with hindsight, but they were unique to him and each vulnerable individual who is radicalised behaves differently when it happens. At the time it simply did not cross my mind that my son could join such a heinous and vile group.

Rasheed had been missing for a few days. Suddenly, my world fell apart with one phone call notifying us he had travelled to Syria.

Rasheed and I were incredibly close. He was clever and adventurous, doing an apprenticeship, and in many ways he was a typical teenager with a future full of potential ahead of him. Isis lured him from me with false promises, which he was of course wrong to believe and act on.

Far from entering a paradise, Rasheed became a pawn for the terrorists who callously put him in harm’s way with a total disregard for his life. I still struggle to come to terms with this. In the end, my son paid the ultimate price for his mistake: he was killed only months after he had arrived in Syria. His death will always be a painful reminder to my family and I about the wickedness of the warped ideology of Isis Islamists.

Like Rasheed, Shamima Begum is a teenager who has undoubtedly made the wrong choices but those choices have been manipulated by malicious forces. Her comments about the Manchester Arena attack, in particular, are abhorrent. I fully understand the hurt, betrayal and dilemma her parents must be going through.

For a long time I blamed myself when Rasheed left. I didn’t sleep for weeks, constantly thinking about what I could have done differently and wondering how I had failed as a mother to protect him.

What I’ve learned is there is no instruction manual for parents; as much as you lead your children on a path of kindness and growth, you can’t predict who they come across, or fully protect them from those who might influence them.

And what would I say to Shamima herself? It is important that young people realise actions have lifelong consequences. Had Rasheed survived, and been fortunate enough to have returned to the UK – as Shamima Begum wishes to – I would have fully expected him to be thoroughly investigated and prosecuted for his actions.

I don’t want other families to go through what I did and to lose any of their loved ones. That is why in the aftermath of Rasheed’s death I created Families for Life, an organisation that offers non-judgemental advice and support to those concerned about someone affected by extremism.

One positive thing that can come from difficult situations like this is an increase in families reaching out for advice and support to help build critical thinking skills and resilience to combat extremist ideologies. Early intervention and examining motivating factors is essential work to help prevent another Rasheed or Shamima from becoming radicalised in the first place. If through Families for Life we can help stop just one person from succumbing to extremism and radicalisation, my son’s death will not have been completely in vain.