Why won’t Prince William wear a kilt? The answer is simple – who wants to dress like their dad?

I’ve never seen anyone fail to smile when they see a man in a kilt.

I write that from personal experience. When I started stand-up in Scotland, I was strictly a “jeans and shirt” kind of comedian. Then I did the Edinburgh Fringe for the first time with a show called Craig Hill’s Alive With the Sound of Music. I wanted to do a parody of the Julie Andrews film poster, but I didn’t want to do drag, so I had the idea that a kilt would give me the same silhouette.

Later, when I was approached to do a TV show they said it was a great look, and that I should wear a kilt. At first I thought “I don’t want to be known as ‘the kilt guy’”, but fast forward to today and I have to admit… they’re my kilt-y pleasure.

(I’m so sorry.)

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I read that our dear Prince William has shunned his father’s penchant for the garment, seemingly refusing to wear one in public. What are you thinking, Will? Think of the good you could do for Anglo-Scottish relations via the simple act of donning some plaid.

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Maybe the prince is worried about looking too old-fashioned or too formal, and wants to appear modern. I understand his reluctance. When I had similar fears, I found someone in Edinburgh – a man by the name of Howie Nicholsby, whose company 21st Century Kilts has done tailoring for Vin Diesel, Lenny Kravitz and Robbie Williams. The style was traditional but modern – perfect for the modern royal on the go. I’m sure Howie would have no trouble kitting out dear prince Billy of clan Windsor.

My collection of kilts is pretty impressive. I’ve got 13 of them in total, including a black pleather one, a red PVC one, and one whose tartan pattern is the colours of Irn-Bru. I was given that last one by the company after doing a gig for them, and there are only five of those in the world (so no, I’m afraid you can’t have that one, William).

I once heard a wicked rumour that maybe William thinks he doesn’t have the legs for a kilt, but I disagree. He’s an athletic guy! I’ve seen pictures of him in trunks playing water polo, and can say with some authority that the man has the lallies for highland wear.

If he’s squeamish about his legs being cold in the Highlands in winter, I can assure him that’s not an issue. Kilts have more fabric than trousers, and if you pair one with chunky woollen socks you can cope with anything this country throws at you (though I’d warn him to watch out for the midges in the summer).

Trust me, Will, you don’t know how good it feels to wear a kilt until you’ve given it a go. Some might scoff that it’s basically like wearing a skirt, but to them I say “nae”! There’s nothing more butch than this sacred garment, favoured for centuries by Celtic warriors and future kings alike.

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Oh, and it’s worth adding that they’re the bee’s knees for dancing in. If yon prince ever finds himself at a royal ceilidh up in Balmoral it would be the ideal apparel for dashing the white sergeant across the ballroom floor. I’m sure Kate would enjoy that!

As for the thorny question of what you wear underneath, it’s traditional to let it all, er, hang out. I know this could be an issue for our William, who contends daily with snap-hungry photographers. It’s his crown jewels under there, after all, and they have to be securely protected. In the words of fellow royal King Louie, of Jungle Book fame, if he wore a kilt he’d risk becoming king of the swingers! Perhaps it would be safer to stick on a pair of Calvins after all.

I do have some sympathy for the prince. While he used to be pictured frequently in kilts as a wean, it’s fallen out of fashion for him as he’s gotten older. Maybe he’s saving it for when he finally takes the throne, so as not to clash with his father’s affinity for the gown. Or maybe his supposed aversion is even simpler than that. After all, who wants to be seen dressing like their dad?

Craig Hill is performing his new show This Gets Harder Every Year! at Just The Tonic Nucleus from August 3 – 27. Tickets and details can be found here