Rudy Giuliani is so useless that he can’t even decide if Trump colluded with the Russians or not

It’s finally happened. Nobody thought it was possible. They said he could never do it – they said he was just a dreamer. But it looks like Rudy Giuliani has finally out-Giulianied himself.

How, you ask? If you’re unfamiliar with the crazy political antics of Donald Trump’s maniacally scatter-brained personal lawyer (or you’ve been wasting away watching everybody in Westminster act like a barrel of macaques throwing faeces at one another), I’m more than happy to set the scene.

For two inconceivably long years, America’s first-ever orange president has been overshadowed by the looming spectre of Robert Mueller, the FBI and incessant accusations of collusion with a meddling Russian state.

It all dates back to a dodgy report from 2016 claiming the president wanted to get pissed on by a bunch of Russian prostitutes. The jury’s still out on whether that claim is true, sadly enough.

That being said, the FBI’s snail-like investigation into the dodgy dealings of Donald Trump’s campaign team has actually revealed a lot more than any of us had been anticipating.

At least 12 campaign associates or Trump family members had 19 face-to-face meetings with Kremlin agents or associates before The Donald was sworn in – and there were at least 51 individual communications between the campaign team and the Russians.

Campaign chair Paul Manafort tried to send polling data to a couple of Kremlin-linked Ukrainian oligarchs via a former Russian spy. Disgraced national security adviser Michael Flynn lost his job and is awaiting sentencing for lying to the FBI about secret meetings with a former KGB recruiter, and campaign advisor George Papadopoulos has already ended up in jail after trying to cover up attempts to set up meetings between Trump and the Russians.

So far, 30 people have been indicted (including four members of Trump’s campaign team or administration).

Now that you’re all caught up, feel free to make up your own mind about the alleged collusion – it’s like Brexit, we’ll never reach a total consensus. But what I’m sure we can all agree on is the perplexing way in which Trump’s own personal lawyer has reacted to this marathon FBI investigation.

For an entire year, Rudy Giuliani would regularly appear on network news shouting down any and all questions over collusion. Hell, in July, Giuliani literally said live on Fox News “there was no collusion”.

Cool. And that was obviously the official line, because Giuliani’s client has tweeted a crazy number of times explicitly stating there was no collusion. And even if there was some sort of collusion, it’s not that big a deal. Why? Last summer Rudy Giuliani made clear on live television that “collusion is not a crime”, anyway.

So, just to be clear: there was no collusion, and even if there was, we shouldn’t worry about it.

If that’s actually the case, then why the hell would super sound-of-mind Rudy Giuliani go live on CNN on Wednesday and insist that he “never said there was no collusion” between Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians?

He literally, 100 per cent did say there was no collusion. We all heard it. Fast-forward a few months, and the guy is now accusing an entirely different news network of “falsely reporting” his exact words. Not only that, Giuliani is now claiming that his boss had never said there was no collusion. But we know that’s false. Even Pinocchio wouldn’t bother lying about that one.

What the actual hell is this man on about?

If you think about it, this is actually kind of sad. For a couple of years, Rudy Giuliani seemed like a really decent, level-headed sort of bloke. Lots of people liked him, he appeared sound of mind and seemed to want what was best for America. Yet over the course of the last decade, he’s totally regressed into a man wholly incapable of honesty, empathy or even common decency.

He’d rather suck up to his masochistic and nefarious boss than tell the truth and do what’s right. He pleads “fake news” every time he’s caught on camera contradicting himself, and every few weeks he changes his story. This guy is the picture-perfect personification of America’s obsessive love affair with misinformation and “alternative facts”, and he’s one tiny part of the reason our society is slowly regressing into a motionless hive of ham-fisted halfwits.

What a joke. What a disgrace. What a…Giuliani.