Rejoice, ye have been extended an unrepeatable offer

DO YOU ever get an irresistible urge to rush out and buy a work of art?

I know I do.

And not just any old work of art, but a collectable work of art? One that will actually appreciate in value as you look at it?

I know the feeling.

A work of art that you can look at on your wall, show off to your friends and use as collateral for a loan for that new lawn mower?

Gosh, I think we're talking the same language.

And that's why I'm taking this opportunity to offer you the chance to buy a precious work of heritage art which will not only be a source of joy for many years to come, but which you can cash in any time you want. Yes, you, the reader, are now being extended the privilege of a chance to buy one of the most exciting plates to have come on to the art market for a long time.

That's right. Plates. Those things you eat off. Those things that have artist-derived paintings on them, with artist-inspired names such as Early Morning or The Village or Ye Olde Forge. With scenes that take us right back to that magic heritage era when mankind lived in harmony with nature, and the stage- coach rattled through England's green and pleasant main roads, and the peasant doffed his cap as Charles Dickens rode by . . . .

That you can buy now for peanuts and sell later for a fortune.

The plate that we are proud to bring on to the market is a new design by an acclaimed English heritage artist whose name temporarily escapes me, and it is entitled The English Breakfast. If you buy it now, it costs a mere pounds 14.99. That's right, pounds 15.99.

The words English breakfast conjure up, surely, an ageless scene of tables groaning with eggs and bacon, kidneys and kedgeree, silver chafing dishes and jugs of coffee on the sideboard. All the promise of the new-born day is contained in the breakfast scene, with the master poring over the London Times and the mistress of the house wondering what recipes cook might try this evening.

That, however, is not the scene pictured on our new collectable plate, The English Breakfast (only pounds 17.50 - hurry, hurry, hurry]). Our new plate goes one better than any collectable plate has so far dared to go. Because instead of depicting a group of people sitting at a table tucking into their first meal of the day, it actually brings you the meal itself.

That's right] On each collector's copy of The English Breakfast you will find a genuine selection of the following items: bacon, an egg, a portion of sausage, a tomato, black- pudding skin and a free-range mushroom.

These objects are first hand- cooked in our own kitchens, then covered in an Old Englyshe Mustarde glaze, and fired in our kilns. The result is a mouth-watering reproduction of the classic English breakfast, complete with a smear of mustard on the side of the plate and a dollop of brown sauce - and you have our guarantee that the ingredients are all as genuine as English cooks can make them]

This is, if you will, the first 3D- collectable plate. We have now moved beyond the ordinary concept of a painting-on-a-plate and joined the world of virtual reality. Those mounds and bumps on the plate are not just mounds and bumps - they are a living part of our ageless breakfast heritage]

You will not, of course, be able to eat off this plate but, then, you will not want to. This plate will be good enough to eat - but too good to eat off] And at only pounds 22.50, this is the sort of offer you can't afford not to miss. Or do we mean, can't afford to miss? Whatever.

Remember - many plates change hands now at way above their original price, so you may be tempted to sell The English Breakfast in order to make a fortune. Of course, plates can go down as well as up. They can also get broken in the dishwasher or accidentally scraped clean by some over-zealous cleaning lady. But given ordinary wear and tear, there is no reason why your English Breakfast plate should not last a lifetime and still give pleasure.

And already it is showing signs of increasing its value] Why, during the composition of this advertisement alone, it has risen from pounds 14.99 to pounds 24.99] Yes, pounds 25.50, that's all it costs to buy this supremely characterful piece of British art. But hurry, hurry, hurry, because the supply is strictly limited]

When ordering, please specify whether you want white or brown toast. Note that there is a vegetarian alternative breakfast at pounds 27.99.