What use is rape counselling if victims are banned from discussing the reason they're there?

It is widely known that rape victims get a raw deal from the criminal justice system. But a recent Vice investigation has brought to light the extent to which victims' emotional needs post-assault and in the run up to the trial are even more woefully handled than many had believed. I have first-hand experience.

In February last year, I reported the man who raped me in 2006 to the police. I was 15 at the time of the rape and tried to push what happened to the back of my mind. It was only when I googled my rapist’s name and discovered he was in prison for committing another sexual offence almost a decade after what he did to me that I finally found the courage to seek justice.

Within hours of calling the police, an officer was sat in my living room with a notepad and pen. Telling a stranger the details of what happened was embarrassing and painful, but it was surprisingly freeing too.

The police gave me the number for a sexual assault referral centre in Manchester and told me that with this centre’s help, I’d be able to access counselling. However, this support came with a caveat: my counselling notes could potentially be seen by the police and used by my rapist’s lawyer in court.

At the referral centre, I was introduced to an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) who warned me that I may have to wait up to a year for counselling due to high demand teamed with a lack of funding. She also explained that, as an active investigation was underway, I wouldn’t be able to discuss details of the rape with a counsellor. Instead, I’d only be able to talk about my feelings.

According to Dr Nina Burrowes, a psychologist who specialises in sexual abuse cases, these strict counselling rules are in place due to the CPS’ concerns that evidence could become “contaminated” by therapy. She said: "Perhaps, through the therapy, you will be easily swayed by your therapist and remember things that didn’t happen. Or that simply by talking about the offence repeatedly, you’re somehow rehearsing evidence. The CPS is worried about somebody being coached so they give evidence more effectively in court."

A lack of counselling didn’t stop me rehearsing evidence, but it did leave me feeling suicidal and unable to turn to professionals for help.

In lieu of professional support, I spent many a night sat alone in my living room, practising what I’d say if the case went to court. I don’t believe I was doing anything immoral or unjust. I just wanted to be sure I could confidently talk about my experience under immense pressure.

When I wasn’t mentally replaying my own rape in graphic detail, I was trawling websites designed for lawyers, reading every sexual violence-related book I could get my hands on, and watching back to back episodes of Law & Order SVU.

I was well aware of the astonishingly low conviction rate and the cruel scrutiny rape victims experience at the hands of criminal defence solicitors. There was no way I was going into a courtroom unprepared.

As it happened, my research and self-coaching was a pointless exercise because when the police finished their investigation and sought guidance from legal experts last September, it was decided there wasn’t enough evidence to formally submit the case to the CPS anyway.

I was devastated I wouldn’t get justice, but relieved that when I finally reached the top of a counselling waiting list, I would be able to speak freely.

Earlier this year I started to receive life-changing counselling through the charity Rape Crisis. Talking to my counsellor about the details of my rape has been instrumental in helping me move forward and it’s frustrating to think of all the victims out there who are feeling as helpless and alone as I did.

Concerns regarding victim coaching are illogical when we consider the amount of coaching and support those accused of sexual offences receive from their lawyers. Team this with last month’s news that victims are under pressure to give police their phones and social media logins, and it’s easy to see how the odds are stacked against those who report sexual crimes to the police.

When public money is being invested into counselling services, it’s a terrific waste that victims aren’t able to truly make the most of them. What’s the purpose of government-funded counselling if victims’ needs aren’t prioritised? Surely the whole point of these services should be to aid mental health and give victims the voice they may have waited years to find.

It is within society’s best interest for rape conviction rates to improve and for victims to receive counselling that is meaningful and transformative. As it stands, the sexual violence support services on offer during active cases seem like an empty gesture designed to mask yet another way in which victims are being let down.