QUOTE UNQUOTE

We have not booked a removal van - Norma Major

I shall not be voting in the election. All political parties are as bad as each other. I would dig up motorways, grow crops on them and have people travel round in buses - Swampy, eco-warrior

I thought I would definitely die out there. I just want to go back to Margate and see my mother - Alan Bywater, polar explorer, who plunged through pack ice into the Arctic Ocean on his attempted solo walk to the North Pole

The feminist joke now goes that men are like public lavatories - either desirable but occupied or vacant but useless - Trevor Phillips, critic

There is this idea that if you like football you also like beer and grabbing women's breasts. If you like rugby you also like Dire Straits and wine. And if you don't like either you must be a pacifist vegetarian - Colin Firth, star of the football film `Fever Pitch'

My father was in tea and alcohol. He dealt in tea and he drank the alcohol - Michael Ondaatje, who wrote the Oscar-winning film `The English Patient'

Unionists don't like people who smile all the time - Ken Maginnis, Ulster Unionist MP, explaining why the majority in an Ulster poll preferred John Major to Tony Blair