Who cares what Harry and Meghan want to call their children?

There is a form of madness that infects people who become obsessed, and not in a particularly kindly way, with the affairs of Harry and Meghan, Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Their every move is minutely scrutinised, every triumph denigrated; every disaster magnified and celebrated.

What should be termed Sussex Derangement Syndrome (“SDS”) has now spread from a few pockets in the tabloid press (which has a vested interest) to a disturbingly large proportion of the social media “community”. It amounts to one of the few notable engines of growth in the world economy. If they had another kid they could probably lift Britain out of recession.

It’s reported that they’re going to use a new name for themselves and their children, who have hitherto been lumbered with the current royal surname of Mountbatten-Windsor – ie that of Charles, Camilla and the Waleses, Yorks and Wessexes (and yes, this does all feel a bit medieval).

Harry, Meghan, Archie and Lilibet would all prefer to be called “Sussex”. Outrage all round! A snub to their noble kin! A new rift! A rebuke to the United Kingdom! Renunciation of a thousand years of history (that sort of thing).

It follows a little flurry of publicity caused by their new website and a photo op for the Invictus Games featuring Harry “sit skiing”, a sort of frame used by those who’ve lost the use of their legs to still ski down a mountain (even Harry’s bitterest critics couldn’t squeeze much out of that).

Archie’s name, in particular, has been a source of contention. There was some question, raised in the Oprah interview, about whether he had the right to be called “Prince” under some dusty old rules; and the rather grand sounding title of Earl of Dumbarton was rejected by Harry on Archie’s behalf because it contained the word “dumb”, which might have proved troublesome at school.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter what they call themselves, and the SBS folk need to calm down and study a little history. The fact is that most British royal names are actually made up, completely inauthentic and, without being rude, bogus.

“Mountbatten-Windsor” derives from the “surnames” of Prince Philip and Elizabeth II. Both are (in fact) arbitrary. The name “Windsor” was famously adopted by George V in 1917 because the existing dynastic name, Saxe-Coburg und Gotha, carried an embarrassingly German vibe to it after the First World War broke out. This, after all, was a time when dachshunds would be attacked in the street for their alien origins.

“Mountbatten” was adopted by that branch of the family when George V ruled that all Germanic names among the aristocracy be expunged, as with his own, and the real name of Battenberg was transposed and anglicised.

In fact, Philip actually adopted that name in preparation for his marriage to the then Princess Elizabeth in 1947 – he was originally a member of the House of Glucksburg. The Queen Mother, unimpressed, anyway continued to refer to him as “The Hun”, with, presumably, a generous helping of irony for the war hero.

So, Harry – or Prince Henry of Wales as he was until recently – and Megs can call themselves what they like. When he and his brother were in the forces, they were called Harry and William Wales.

The pair want their family to be “united” with the same name and normalised. They may also need to make the best of their rejection of a conventional royal role and the media intrusion that goes with it (wrongly, in their view).

They can’t entirely escape their fame and celebrity – nor do they wish to – and they are trying to do some good in the world and make an independent living. There’s nothing wrong with that, and there will inevitably be compromises and accusations of hypocrisy along the way. Some enemies are motivated by baser instincts.

Yet the most personal thing any of us has is our name, and we’re all entitled to use or amend it as we wish.

Harry and Meghan are simultaneously chided for using the ducal name Sussex, bestowed by the late Queen; and also ridiculed for abandoning the royal Mountbatten-Windsor moniker. As ever, the Sussex family (or whatever they’re called) can’t win.