Get the popcorn ready – the slow collapse of PopCon is just beginning

It takes a truly impressive degree of delusion to call yourself Popular Conservatism when that brand has never seemed so unpopular. It takes unreality to a whole new level when the said amusingly-named splinter group books, for its post-rout rally, a venue that can accommodate 900 people in complete comfort.

Were there really almost a thousand people flocking into the Emmanuel Centre in damp Westminster to join a recently dismissed Jacob Rees-Mogg and a virtually-present Suella Braverman in a fightback against the electorate?

Well, no, there weren’t. The first discovery on entering the “PopCon” gathering was that two-thirds of the seating was roped off with scarlet cord – a bit like the post-election map of the UK. I’ve seen bigger splinters in my big toe.

By contrast, the House of Commons can seat only 400 of its 650 members, which is a tad awkward if the winning side boasts 412 of them. Thus, Labour’s benches were overflowing like the sorcerer’s porridge pot long before Keir Starmer’s MPs had finished squeezing into the chamber for the first time.

Backbenchers flooded onto the crossbenches and up stairways to the balcony seats, while dozens more stood at the back. It was the reality of a political landslide in flesh and blood and sheer voting power.

Sir Keir tried not to look too pleased with himself as he planted himself for the first time on the green leather in the spot flattened by the backsides of five successive Tory prime ministers since 2010. Next to him, Angela Rayner beamed happily in a puff-sleeved ivory dress, his bride at a vast political nuptial.

Rishi Sunak sat disconsolately in Starmer’s old spot, flanked protectively by Jeremy Hunt and Oliver Dowden. Nigel Farage, his nemesis, lurked at the back, on the bad-boy bench where George Galloway used to glower occasionally. Farage stared at the ceiling, already bored with the flummery.

The first proceeding of the virgin MPs were to re-elect speaker Lindsay Hoyle, who assured them solemnly that “with experience comes wisdom”, a nod to the time he nearly got sacked for getting Starmer off the SNP hook on a Gaza ceasefire vote. There were some kindly speeches and a quaint tradition where the speaker is symbolically dragged to his chair.

Such back-patting occasions are usually described as parliament at its best because everyone stops being nasty and partisan. However, Farage was never going to go along with that. His speech began with a nice line about Reform being “the new kids on the block … though some of us have tried many times previously to get here”. But then he ended his tribute to the speaker with a jibe at “the little man who was there before you and besmirched the office so dreadfully”. Groans erupted, mainly from the Labour benches where John Bercow is most fondly remembered.

Sir Ed Davey also earned groans and eye rolls for a speech that rehashed his stump soundbites about sewage and GP appointments. The Lib Dem leader enjoyed the general election so much he can’t stop reliving it. With his 72 members – and a gorgeous golden retriever belonging to Torbay’s Steve Darling – beside him, Sir Ed bungee-jumped into the bench previously owned by the Scottish Nationals – a sweet comeback for his side.

Starmer banged home his message about public service, telling the new boys and girls: “The need to restore trust should weigh heavily on every member here.”

Sunak promised that the new opposition would do its job “professionally, respectfully, humbly”. To the Tory ex-MPs he said simply: “I am sorry.”

These rituals of a new parliament are important, as they adjust the House to the new realities of a changed political contract.

But what of those who cannot or will not adjust to reality? Back in the Emmanuel Centre, the PopCons were busily convincing themselves that the only reason the Tories lost 251 seats is they were too much like Starmer’s side, which won 211 extra seats, and not enough like Farage’s party that won only five seats total. Genius.

Lord Frost suggested that the Conservative government’s decision to ban protests outside abortion clinics had contributed to their collapse. “If you get it wrong, you get it right next time,” sang Gerry Rafferty on a loop over the PA.

Suella Braverman, who really did leave the country when Labour won, then appeared on a Zoom video recorded the night before in her US hotel room. Although taped 12 hours before, she began her remarks with the words: “Thank you so much for that warm welcome!” Did she just take it for granted they would clap her name? Or did she just choose a reality that felt more comfortable than the one unfolding at Westminster, 4,000 miles away?