Orlando Bloom naked pictures: If you're thinking about checking them out ladies, think again

At some point over the past 24 hours I became rather irate about Orlando Bloom’s penis. Well, not merely his penis. The remainder of Orlando’s body clinging to this now world-appreciated appendage annoyed me too. Why, I thought, why, why why, would Bloom get it out in a public space if he didn’t want us all to gawp at it? Yes, we know he was on holiday, miles from anywhere, relaxing, but why be so stupid? ‘Victim-blaming’ is what I think we called this when Scarlett Johansson’s private nude selfies were hacked. Or, in 2012, when topless photos of the Duchess of Cambridge were taken by a weirdo clutching a telephoto lens. But then there’s a growing tendency when images of women’s bodies are used like this – snapped, hacked, shared, sold – for us to recognise that we’re not acting particularly decently. Our titillation and nosiness at their nipples, bum cracks and bikini lines comes tinged – for many of us at least – with guilt.

Sure, that Geordie Shore star didn’t wear knickers to the red carpet premier, but up skirts shot of her labia majora as she struggles from a car feel murky. If an ex-boyfriend leaks home-made pornography which a woman was only too willing to make and send six weeks previously, then new Revenge Porn laws means he could go to prison for two years. Denying women their ‘sexual agency’ by advising them to not make the homemade porn in the first place goes down very badly with millennials. Men should not exploit and objectify women. But why is it that when Orlando Bloom’s genitalia finds its way on to the internet there is a distinct dearth of concern for his feelings. If men and women are equal, why does Bloom’s hurt pride matter less?

Does it not matter if Bloom reads a sea of snickering comments about the length, girth and potential uses for his penis? Are we allowed to zoom in and giggle over whether he’s circumcised or not? Can we swap photos on WhatsApp groups? Can we create Twitter memes celebrating the fact we plan to masturbate over the snaps later? Does the fact Bloom is blissfully unaware in all of these shots that he’s been hunted down, snooped upon and caught literally with his pants down, not matter in this case really, because well, he’s a man?

My instinct, and perhaps many other women’s, is to say yes. It does matter less. Let us have this fun. Bloom’s physique via an intense Hollywood-style training technique is akin to Michelangelo’s David. His penis is perfectly proportioned. Nothing at all to be ashamed of. Plus, he’s on a doubtlessly expensive holiday with his beautiful, clearly smitten, superstar girlfriend. Wouldn’t any man, at some level, be happy for us all to see this grand display of virility?

After all, aren’t men – the proud peacocks that they all are – rather enamoured with getting it out? If anything, right now, Bloom’s probably loving the attention! Men love being ogled, do they not? It gives them an ego boost. They don’t care if they’re treated like pieces of meat as the benefits of their sexuality outweigh the bad. But the fact is these statements on gender and ‘how men feel’ are clearly sweepingly unhelpful and in many cases desperately wrong. If anything they make us sound like when French and Saunders would dress up as two old, fat sexually frustrated men leafing through the newspaper quacking, “Look at her, she’s begging for it. They’re all begging for it!” And Orlando Bloom was not begging for it.

In an equal world, the next time an A-list male star’s penis is photographed without permission the moral, but hideously boring, thing to do would be, walk calmly towards one’s internet router and turn it off for a while. Women’s equality will only come through joint-respect and tedious mutual sacrifice. Even when we’re faced with Orlando Bloom with his underpants off crouching over a paddle board displaying a perfect toned posterior. We need to treat as we would like to be treated. Ladies: I never said any of this shit was going to be easy.