Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez could've saved herself some embarrassment by taking social media tips from our upstanding president

There’s nothing more disgusting than an oversharing millennial. Day in and day out, tech-savvy, twenty-something snowflakes plaster social media with a never-ending sea of food selfies, cat videos, vertically shot monologues and pie-in-the-sky, socialist critiques of western society – and it’s absolutely exhausting.

Yet for whatever reason, self-indulgent young people don’t seem to realise that every single action generates a digital footprint. You can’t fart on Instagram without it coming back to bite you in the arse later – and thank god. Our digital footprints ensure we can be appropriately labelled, dismissed and disregarded forever until the end of time. It helps us weed out the losers and prevent unprofessional liberals from trying to make America a nicer place for poor people to live.

That’s why we’re so incredibly lucky the scandalous digital past of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has finally surfaced – and with any luck, it’ll finally shove her back in her place.

Missed this week’s incredibly juicy gossip? Let’s backtrack.

This week, a diverse group of rookie lawmakers were sworn into office as part of America’s new Democrat-led Congress. For kooky liberals, it should’ve been cause for celebration – after all, the blue devils can now frustrate Donald Trump’s iron-fisted agenda and prolong a justifiable government shutdown our brilliant president never wanted in the first place.

But instead of celebrating, the party has been tossed into shame and disrepute after the youngest woman ever to serve in Congress proved just how young and unprofessional she truly is.

After doing some deep digging and selective editing, conservative idol and heroic Twitter troll @AnonymousQ1776 leaked footage of “commie know-it-all” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing. I know what you’re thinking: that’s totally shocking. But it gets even worse – because she was actually pretty good at dancing (like, even better than Theresa May).

Not only was her dancing OK, but if you dig a little deeper and watch the entire video for context, it looks like she used to have quite a few friends. She might have even been having…fun. Gross.

What a disappointment. It seemed bad enough a politically engaged educator and community organiser under the age of 30 could ever be elected to Congress – but a woman reckless enough to be caught on tape re-enacting a dance scene from The Breakfast Club? It’s no wonder conservatives think she’s a train wreck. There’s no way Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can come back from this.

This is why America is in such dire need of a non-moving, ham-fisted political system in which all trivial decisions are made by greying white men who can’t dance, sing, laugh or have friends. We need politicians who’re able to conduct themselves with expert professionalism online – zero fun at all times. And we need people who can step up and do the right thing, like deprive government workers of their salaries while they continue to do security checks at airports, or build nonsensical walls in order to "keep a campaign promise" when the actual promise was that someone else would pay for it and now the country needs billions of dollars of taxpayers' money because, oddly, Mexico didn't actually agree to pay.

Think about it: our commander-in-chief wouldn’t be caught out by some stupid online mistake like this. His Twitter account is nothing but a rolling, 24-hour passport into the mind of a professional genius who conducts himself with grace, humility and political competence.

Sure, you’ve got to squint a bit when you’re scrolling through his Twitter feed. But if you really think about, trolling Rosie O’Donnell about her weight was in the national interest – just like reminding us Saturday Night Live is nonsensical Democratic propaganda, cheering about Taylor Swift’s breakups and keeping us up-to-date on Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s marriage.

Then there was that time the president taught us about the menstrual cycle via Megyn Kelly, unloaded on enemy-of-the-state Cher, let us know how horrible Bette Midler is and revealed what a mediocre actor Alec Baldwin truly is as well. Donald Trump doesn’t waste our time with dancing, fun or friends. He’s probably never had any of those things – he is a proper politician, after all. His online behaviour is a perfect mirror of his thoughtful, nuanced policymaking.

Donald Trump keeps everything topical and need-to-know. His digital footprint is something any dignified statesman would kill for. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her saucy flash-dancing, on the other hand? She should be ashamed of herself, and she should probably go ahead and issue a formal apology for being a woman under the age of 65 while she’s at it. If the last couple of weeks have proven anything, it's that the men in government are doing a brilliant job and that if anyone else tried to take over, the whole system might, er, grind to a halt.

Bottom line: A relatable woman with the best of intentions and a sense of humour is just not what our country needs right now. Somebody should’ve told poor Ocasio-Cortez before she embarrassed herself like this.