Farage tells Boris, ‘Do what I say or I’ll win you the election’

Nigel Farage cut an uncharacteristically subdued figure when he wandered into his own Brexit Party campaign launch. But then, he knew what others didn’t: namely, the complete fool he was about to make of himself.

The raw politics of Christmas Election Hellfest 2019 are mind-meltingly complex, so the best way to familiarise yourself with the Farage gameplan as unveiled on Friday morning is to look up a well known scene from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.

I refer specifically to the bit where Dr Evil travels back to 1969 to seek to extort “100 billion dollars” from the President of the United States, via threats of death and destruction at the hands of his super-powered laser, which he is forced to admit is actually archive footage from the yet-to-be-released movie Independence Day.

It’s not merely that the threat isn’t real. It’s that the demands can’t be met either, literally. One hundred billion dollars, he is told, through fits of laughter, is “more money than exists” in the entire world.

And so we turn to Nigel Farage, standing on a stage in a church hall in Westminster, demanding Boris Johnson both rip up his withdrawal agreement – the one, single achievement of his time as prime minister – and also to stand down Tory candidates in dozens of seats, to allow his party a clear run at them.

Or else? Or else what? Or else Nigel Farage will put up Brexit Party candidates in every single constituency, and do exactly what he did last time round in 2015. Which, he even actually explained, was to steal Eurosceptic votes from Labour voters who just can’t countenance voting Conservative, and as a consequence hand David Cameron his majority.

That, for now, is the plan. Give me what you can’t possibly give me or else I’ll win you the election.

It is unfortunate that, in their dramatic structures, the two scenes are completely identical, not least as it foists upon us an analogy that is only complete when Ann Widdecombe gets told to stop humping the laser.

In such circumstances, the lack of bombast was hardly surprising. The only thing that is surprising is that, hours later, Boris Johnson did interviews with the BBC and ITV, and on both occasions, when asked whether he would indeed be giving Nigel Farage his 100 billion dollars for fear of the non-existent Brexit Party death laser, he categorically refused to rule out doing exactly that, on both occasions.

What on earth is going on? Your guess, frankly, is as good as mine. Nothing makes sense anymore. And it’s not going to for weeks, months and quite possibly years to come.