My guide to a happy Christmas. Make it quick

I have inherited from my late father extreme impatience. His pet hate was people who made pleasant small talk with bank or post office cashiers while he waited in the queue behind them, and he would sarcastically applaud when they had finished the transaction. Christmas was a severe challenge to his impatience, and he would have looked with interest at the new Tesco Turkey in Ten meal: a turkey joint with stuffing and gravy that can be microwaved in 10 minutes flat.

Here was a man who did the minimum of Christmas shopping, and whose usual present to me was a couple of bank notes peeled out of his wallet on Christmas morning. He would only wrap a present if absolutely necessary because the end of the Sellotape would get stuck down and he’d end up hurling it across the room. I was once standing next to him at a carol service, and when the vicar said, “Our next hymn is ‘While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night’ ...” he tensed, because he found it – like all hymns – far too long. But when the vicar added, “ ... omitting verse five”, my father nodded to himself in satisfaction.

I do all my gift buying on Christmas Eve and in one shop: the local chemist. While some of the stock to be found in a good chemist’s is not Christmas gift-worthy (anti-perspirant, for example), much of it fits the bill, and I can home in on the aftershave, perfume, soap, and – for any female requiring a more luxurious present – the sponges. Women like real sponges, probably because they’re expensive, and I would like to stress that we advocates of a quick Christmas are not necessarily mean.

I tend to buy people gift vouchers, because that’s quicker, but I feel guilty about not choosing a present, so I atone by adding a bonus tenner on to the value. Christmas impatience can, in fact, be positive. When, at the end of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge sends the small boy to bring the butcher and the prize turkey (so he can give it to Bob Cratchit), he says, “Come back with him in less than five minutes, and I’ll give you half a crown!”

Some tips for a quicker Christmas ... don’t write Christmas cards in felt tip or fountain pen because you have to wait for the ink to dry before you can stuff them in the envelope. E-cards are all right, but can lead to prolonged and unnecessary correspondence. Amazon gift buying is similarly double edged: you purchase your item without queuing, but then you must wait for it.

As for traditional stuffed turkey with all the trimmings, I quote from Delia Smith: “… make the stuffing the night before, but don’t yet stuff the turkey – it is important to let the air circulate around the inside of the bird.”

In other words, you have to wait for nothing to happen.

“Turkey in Ten” costs a fiver, I believe.

Andrew Martin’s latest novel, The Yellow Diamond, is published by Faber