This Mother's Day, consider the 'have nots' who find this the hardest day of the year

Many of us are typically dismissive of Valentine’s Day since it holds no obvious value to those without a partner. In recent years, groups of female friends have celebrated the alternative, “Galentine’s Day” and people send cards to friends or family members instead. Mother’s Day, or Mothering Sunday as it is traditionally known, presents less of an issue at surface level because while you may not be a mother, everyone has a mother so it seems a fairly innocuous celebration. But the many non-GDPR compliant emails from retailers which have flooded my inbox since the beginning of March have outed many of us with severed ties to both.

In the space of a decade I became estranged from my mother after she disapproved of my husband. My daughter Annie died a few hours after she was born and my husband and I divorced, meaning his mother, who smashed all the mean mother-in-law stereotypes, was suddenly no longer in my life. For me, Mother’s Day is fraught with the anxiety of knowing what I should be doing on that day, or at least what everyone else seems to be up to.

Annie was cremated and her ashes scattered in a beautiful garden in Richmond but it feels too sombre to go there on a day which should be celebratory. My friend Samantha experienced a harrowing Mother’s Day following a late miscarriage which coincided with her baby’s due date. She decided to visit the baby’s resting place but found it incredibly difficult and has since decided that it is far better to have a distraction.

I’m a Christian and actively avoid going to church on Mother’s Day to avoid the anxiety-inducing practices many churches have adopted such as asking mothers to stand up while their children hand them flowers. Mother’s Day is a day when women are (rightly) celebrated for giving birth but some churches do seem to be a breeding ground for the shame of women who are not biological mothers. A fellow church-goer who does not have children told me, “I have decided not to have my own children but I am godparent to numerous children and consider it an honour. I am also a stepmum but it’s never my day on Mother’s Day; it’s not Stepmother Day or Godparent Day, is it? It’s not for me and it can make the day feel hollow and lonely.”

For those who no longer have relationships with, or no longer have, mothers, the day can feel just as empty. Rachael explained that she is “happily estranged from my own mother which may sound flippant, but behind that is years of a very emotionally abusive relationship governed by a very controlling, alcoholic woman. It took a long time for me to break those chains over 13 years ago and I can honestly say I have not regretted my decision. But Mother’s Day presents a challenge because although it does not make me want to rebuild a relationship with my own there is a real longing for that ‘key’ relationship that I do not have in my life.”

Chioma is an only child whose mother died five years ago. She says, “I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day because the person to celebrate is no longer here. I block out all the flowers, cards and shop signs promoting the day and try and find time to have a still, quiet moment alone to remember her.”

With flowers being the product most in demand for this day, I was surprised and pleased to hear of an email sent by flower delivery service Bloom & Wild in which customers were offered an opt-out from Mother’s Day-related promotional emails this year. Sara Gordon, VP Brand for Bloom & Wild explains this decision: “Two of our values as a company are care and being customer-first in everything we do. Last Mother's Day we spoke to some of our customers who shared that this time of year can be a really hard time for them as their mum may not be around or they have had trials around motherhood themselves. We feel it’s the right, responsible thing to do to share a level of care for the people who shop with us.”

Like Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day highlights the divide between the “haves” and the “have nots”, and as rising numbers of the “have nots” reject the highly commercialised Valentine’s Day, I hope those of us who can’t or don’t celebrate Mother’s Day this year will be able to do the same without too much pain or guilt. I’m not calling for a cull on the celebration of mothers (or the celebration of love) but I think it’s important for people to understand the sensitivity around this particular issue and recognise that for some, this might just be the hardest day of the year.

If you need support this Mother's Day, cruse.org.uk provides bereavement support to children, young people and adults. SANDS is a stillbirth and neonatal charity, and StandAlone is the first UK charity to support people that have become estranged or disowned from their family or a key family member