Millennials are having less sex – but only because we’ve raised our standards

How important is sex to you? I’m asking because the recent news that British people are having less sex than ever before has got me thinking about the value of intimacy, and why abstaining from sex is often seen as an act of penance instead of one of self-love.

According to a three-stage study by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, published in the the British Medical Journal in May 2019, regular sexual activity between couples is on the decline.

Less than half of men and women in the UK aged 16-44 years old have sex at least once a week, and the steepest decline was among those who are living together, and the over-25s.

Researchers looked at data from the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles in 1991, 2001 and 2012, and found that millennials are having sex 4.9 times a month for men and 4.8 times for women, whereas 10 years ago it was 6.2 and 6.3 respectively.

One of the reasons we are all having less sex seems to be attributed to – you guessed it – technology and the ubiquitousness of social media. Study authors suggested that the pattern of declining sex within the UK is linked to an increasing use of tech and the “busyness of modern life”. They even highlighted two key events that could have had a knock-on effect: the introduction of the iPhone in 2007 and the global recession of 2008.

But other arguments offered by the researchers seem far more persuasive to me. According to the paper, another reason millennials are having less sex is because of a shift in societal attitudes and “changing norms”. This makes perfect sense. Yes, mounting financial pressures and digital distractions may result in us prioritising sex less, but as a woman I feel that it’s more to do with the fact that so many of us are now less willing to succumb to bad sex.

We’re more informed when it comes to our sexual encounters – and that reduces the likelihood of us having terrible sex.

A decade ago, we couldn’t find honest and open dialogues about sex online, but now we have Twitter gurus like Oloni lighting up our timelines, sex-positive vloggers like Shan Boody sharing their intimacy tips and comedy shows like Sex Education depicting normal, realistic relationships.

All this sex-positive media is showing us what good, consensual intimacy looks like. And it also reminds us that we can get it – any time we want it. As the study authors note, “social pressure to over-report sexual activity may have eased”, which makes sense.

It’s like the old Streisand effect: banning or censoring something will often make that thing more desirable, and lead to people going to greater lengths to get it.

In 2019 we can enjoy more open conversations around sex than ever before: female-directed porn is very much in, as is consent, and if you want no-strings-attached sex as a man or woman you’ve got a plethora of apps to choose from and a never-ending carousel of potential matches at your fingertips.

As the study goes on to explain: “Gender equality may now extend to the sexual sphere; where women might previously have felt obliged to meet their partner’s sexual needs irrespective of their own, they might now be less inclined to do so ... Men are maybe not so intent on boasting as they once were. Women are not so intent on showing that they are pure as driven snow.”

Millennials have redefined social expectations when it comes to sex, and we are more attuned than ever as to what constitutes a good sexual encounter. Because of that, we’re being more honest and we don’t want to punish ourselves with crap sex. We’ve raised our sexual standards. If we’re having less sex that’s fine, because the sex we are having is the best we’ve ever had.