I’m living proof toy-boy lovers help women grow old disgracefully

Ageing is a pain in the behind – and everywhere else, it turns out – but according to Michael Caine, one of the best ways to stay young is to have a younger wife.

The legendary actor, aged 90, has been married to former actor and fashion model Shakira Caine (formerly Shakira Baksh), since 1973. She is 76 years old, 14 years Caine’s junior.

But what do younger women get out of dating much older fellas? I have been romantically involved with a few older men and there are definite pros and cons.

First off, it depends on how youthful the older man presents. A beauty therapist recently offered me a massage with hot rocks. I declined. If I’m going to lie under a hot stone, I’d rather it was Mick. Although now an octogenarian, Mick has the vim and verve of a 20-year-old. Mischievous Michael Caine also has clearly not passed his amuse-by date.

I’ve got a tan from basking in the reflected glory of many older male friends: John Mortimer, Mel Brooks and Barry Humphries, to name but a few. And you couldn’t ask for more cheeky, stimulating and enchanting company.

So, yes, dating a witty, twinkly older man can be the most fabulous fun. However, I do suggest you stop this side of the grave. (Although with upper-class Englishmen, how do you tell?)

Some women are attracted to an older man solely due to the size of his walk-in wallet. The best thing about marrying a geriatric billionaire with a heart murmur is that the “till death us do part” vow takes on a much shorter connotation. Where there’s a will, you can definitely be in it. There are three signs of senility – memory deterioration and… the other two have slipped his mind, right? “Just sign on the dotted line, darling.”

But if this is your marital MO, how do you set about finding a rich older fella? I’d suggest you frequent auction houses. A collector of expensive antiques often turns out to be one. All a girl needs to do is pepper her conversation with “Jacobean” this and “Georgian” that and she’ll soon be sending him “baroque”, while he furnishes her for life.

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Viagra has, um, raised the date-ability of older blokes; what does it matter if the face has slipped, as long as the penis is in the right place? But of course, there are some cons to becoming an antique c*** collector. The man may be distinguished, but he’s also possibly extinguished; you may have to wheel him into bed sucking on an oxygen mask.

You will also have to refrain from correcting his jargon and slang and try not to laugh when he brags that he “went high” and got “on his face”. And remember, after he delivers an enlightened spiel on marijuana legalisation, try not to gush, “God! I wish my dad was like you!” Or “When you were young – gulp – ger.” Such slips send them scurrying off for double doses of ice baths, vampire facials and seaweed kelp enemas.

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You’ll also have to put up with people making cracks along the lines of “What’s he got? The 70-year-old itch?” Or, “He’s so ancient. I mean, how did you meet? No, no. Let me guess. You bid on him at an auction?” And how can any of your pals resist a few puns along the lines of “carbon dating”? Especially when you meet his children, who turn out to be older than you are.

Still, weighing up the evidence, for romantic adventures my advice to women would be to find yourself a younger man – that’s the key to female longevity. A younger lover will adore you – not bore you – and do all your chores for you. My own boyfriend is quite a few years my junior. Not only does he put me on a pedestal, but, having been raised by feminists, he doesn’t expect me to clean it whilst I’m up there.

Pundits regularly raise their eyebrows at the near 25-year age gap between the Macrons. The same age gap between Trump and Melania never causes comment. And just think, somewhere right now, Leonardo DiCaprio’s next lover is being potty trained. So why can’t women also grow old disgracefully?

Besides, older women dating younger blokes makes so much more sense, biologically. Think about it. Women hit their sexual prime in their fifties and sixties – males in their teens. You don’t have to be Einstein to do the maths – 19 goes into 60 a hell of a lot more times than 60 goes into 19.