Mea culpa: something’s not right with these absentees

None of us are immune to a bit of clickbait – I’m quite partial to a survival story. One thing that didn’t survive for long was the intro to an Independent article about a stranded man who was rescued after being stalked and repeatedly attacked by a grizzly bear for a week.

It sounded very exciting – until proceedings kicked off with: “The coastguard pilot immediately knew something was wrong when he spotted an SOS sign on top of a shack and a man desperately trying to get his attention by waving his hands in the air.” Well, thank you, Captain Obvious!

Sense has been sacrificed for the sake of a cliche. The piece starts with a drop intro, where news articles should sum up the facts in the first sentence – rules are there to be bent, of course, but not when the words aren’t telling us anything. The story was, frankly, dead on arrival. With an action-packed new top line, man, bear and pilot could get the attention they deserve.

Clear as mud: While some conservative US media outlets and Republican officials have been encouraging vaccine uptake, their efforts have been hampered by prominent voices from those who “continue to muddle the waters”, we said. This is an “eggcorn”, a word or phrase that results from a mishearing or misinterpretation of another. Quite a cute one, too: the metaphor still works. Even so, we’ve gone for good old “muddy the waters”.

Isn’t it ironic? We went full Alanis Morissette in an article about the hit show Ted Lasso, which said: “The irony that the show we most needed in a pandemic arrived five months into one is not lost on its cast.” What Ted Lasso’s cast and crew experienced was a coincidence. “Fact” instead of “irony” would have been fine.

Absent with leave: The “pingdemic” is sending shockwaves through the world of grammar, too. We reported that more than 600,000 self-isolation alerts had led to “widespread absenteeism in various sectors”. Absenteeism is the practice of skipping work or school without good reason. Is protecting your fellow citizens not one of the greatest reasons there is? Let’s be fair and make it “widespread absences”.

Clause for concern: In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime – it usually resulted in a long sentence. All jokes aside, commas are being sprayed around like confetti (to quote our chief sub-editor) and not used where they’re needed most. We don’t have the column inches to do a deep dive on comma usage, but let’s look at one area of concern.

“WWE superstar, the Undertaker, makes his way to the ring during a match...” – this isn’t right. Enclosing the wrestler’s name between commas means it reads as though he’s the only WWE superstar, and what a show that would be. It’s essential information, and thus constitutes a restrictive clause, which should not involve commas.

The same article contained the quote: “We understand the fan base and a bit like a specific film studio, we know what the committed fan wants.” “A bit like a specific film studio” is a clause containing non-essential information (non-restrictive). Adding a comma after “and” completes the pair and resolves the problem.

Meanwhile, across our pages, commas are cruelly separating subjects from verbs, and independent clauses are crying to be kept apart. It’s time we tightened things up. It sounds technical, but the goal is always the same: an easy life for the reader, free of unnecessary obstacles and confusion.