Fellow Abba-hating queers – you’re not alone. I can't stand 'Mamma Mia!'

Here we go again, unfortunately. We’re already having to deal with Brexit, aircon overkill and global warming this summer, so why anyone would think it’s a good idea to put out another Mamma Mia! film I don’t know. SOS, indeed.

You will, of course, be one of two people reading this article – a dedicated Abba stan who’s been screaming Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! more since the initial car crash of a musical was released, or you’ll be like me – bloody fed up.

I hope you know that if you’re in the first camp you’re making this summer miserable for the rest of us, despite the nice weather. Just when I thought all the Abba hype had finally died down after the reunion in 2016, I saw a trailer for the latest film, and suddenly everyone is talking about them – again. They’re a foursome akin to a volcanic zit. It grows over time, there’s a big burst, then everything settles down again… but not for long.

Abba always come back. Whether it’s on a film poster, on a plaque outside Brighton Dome or in a Cadbury’s commercial, they are sure to pop up somewhere.

And before you berate me for using an incredibly overused phrase for my opening line, blame those that created it instead – forever exposing us to those tedious four words. Here we go again. Over and over and over again. Much like their music.

Some of their songs are so repetitive that they have the same word three times in the title: Money, money, money, gimme, gimme, gimme – making the band behind them sound like four petulant, whining children. The song “Honey, Honey” breaks the mould by only copying itself twice, but it’s made up by “I do, I do, I do, I do, I do”. There are probably more examples but I wouldn’t want to be repetitive.

Disliking Abba is tedious – and hard. My mum really dislikes Gary Lineker for no reason other than that she finds him annoying – and I imagine life must be a similar experience for her. Despite almost never watching a game of football in her life, every time she eats a crisp she’ll be reminded of him and shudder. The experience is similar for me every time I go on Twitter as a gay person – according to another lesbian in the office, it’s not just gay men who have the monopoly on the crap Seventies pop band. I wish I hated a less cherished Seventies icon – like Boy George or Kool & the Gang, both of whom I actually quite like.

I saw a meme on Twitter recently that showed two people having a fight. The caption was “Women vs the gays when the new Mamma Mia! film comes out.”

I feel like it’s important, therefore, to make it clear to the world that not all gays like Abba. Not only am I queer, but I’m also trans – that’s two letters of the acronym – and I still can’t stand them. Fellow Abba-hating queers – you’re not alone.

Their hair alone is enough to put me off being an Abba fan, with their style choices coming in a close second. I know you’ll say it’s “of the time”, but Prince still managed to be cool for more than one decade. So did Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Wonder, Led Zeppelin, Diana Ross… it wasn’t difficult!

I won’t thank them for their music or fall head over heels for them – and before any fans ask, don’t bother taking a chance on me – I’m not going to become one of you.

They are, put simply, just plain rubbish – and one of the most overplayed bands of all time. I would rather leave the European Union, become a human icicle at the office and see the planet destroyed by the ozone layer exploding than listen to another note of their musical drivel. Sorry, but that’s just the name of the game.