If you’re tempted to tell someone to ‘man up’, take a look in the mirror first

How many times have we heard the words “man up” used to knock someone for talking about their mental health? Countless times – but just once is too much, as far as I’m concerned.

It’s a tragic fact that these two little words are still used to knock those of us who’ve had to stand up to our mental health problems and take action. But when you think about it, none of it makes any sense. The “snowflake” narrative that persists to this day can have a seriously detrimental effect on anyone struggling with their mental health. Especially those who struggle on in silence.

In 2019, there were 5,691 suicides, according to the Samaritans website, and that was an increase of 321 from 2018. I dread to think what 2020’s stats will be like, as the mental health pressures faced by so many of us this year have been immense.

Unfortunately, I know all too well how it feels to be suicidal. In 2014, I stood on a cliff edge, literally not metaphorically, ready to end it all. If it wasn’t for my wife, Lesley, I honestly don’t think I’d be here today writing this. She talked me down and she didn’t mince her words. I’ll be forever grateful to her for pulling me back from the brink.

However, although I was lucky to have friends, family and medical professionals around me when I hit my mental rock bottom, most of the recovery work I had to do myself. And I can tell you now: it takes real guts to deal with your inner demons, take a long hard look in the mirror and make significant changes to your lifestyle that, for as long as you can remember, has defined who you are. 

“Man up”, “toughen up”, “pull yourself together”. Saying these things in response to somebody who has spoken openly about their mental health problems is, frankly, pathetic. It’s as though you’re telling them that facing up to something is weak. That burying your head in the sand and pretending nothing’s wrong is the strongest thing to do. How can that be?

Another problem with the phrase “man up” is that it doesn’t even mean anything. “Man up” compared to what? Compared to who? Who is “man enough”? Is Tyson Fury man enough? Because I’d love to see you tell him to “man up”. And yet Tyson Fury joined me as a guest on my podcast to talk all about his personal mental health struggles.

If “manning up” is not talking about your mental health problems and subsequently taking action to deal with them, it’s the same as a fighter refusing to step inside the ring. You’ve got the strength and capacity to do it, yet you refuse. You can’t beat these things if you’re not in the game, and you’re not in the game if your head’s in the sand.

Personally, it took me a long time to get my own head around this. Instead of facing up to my illness (I was diagnosed with bipolar) and my behaviour I tried to mask everything with drink and drugs. Of course, it will come as no surprise that my self-medication choices led me down an even darker and more terrifying path. But booze and cocaine were things that were easy to get hold of. I didn’t have to say, “Doc, I’m struggling, can you help me?”, or “Lesley, I think there’s something wrong with me.” Instead, I kept my head firmly in the sand until I was desperate to leave this world because I could see no other way out.

But if you don’t ask, you don’t get. So that first step in seeking help has to begin with acknowledging you’ve got a problem and telling somebody about it. If you’ve got “man up” ringing in your ears and you’ve never been in this situation before, you’re likely to feel reluctant or vulnerable to criticism. This is why so many men end up masking their problems their own way – whether that be through drink, drugs, porn, gambling or just basically being an angry and unbearable nightmare to live with, like I was for some time.  

Your doctor, however, is only one part of the solution. The biggest answer to your problems is you. In my opinion, it’s about taking charge of your emotions, your situation and your past. Sometimes you need help to do that, but you’ve got to dig deep and face a lot of shit to really understand what it is you’re dealing with in the first place. And although we can’t help our diagnoses, our genetics or our past trauma, we can face up to them, speak about them and take action. The longer we hold onto the idea that it’s someone else’s fault or that our genetics are to blame, or whatever we might tell ourselves, the harder it’s going to be to get well again. This really isn’t easy – but it is possible.

It takes a lot of strength to take action in regards to mental illness. You can’t build resilience if you’re unable to look your problems in the eye and speak out about them. It’s like having a horror movie playing while you hide your face with your hands. Is that really toughening up? Is that really being a man?

So, in 2021, I challenge anyone who is ready to tell someone to “man up” because of their mental health problems to take a look in the mirror first. Why do you feel the need to say it? Dig deep and think about it. Because that’s where the real courage lies.

Paul Mort’s audiobook ‘Paul Mort Will Save Your Life’ is available from HarperNorth

You can contact the Samaritans helpline by calling 116 123. The helpline is free and open 24 hours a day every day of the year

You can also contact Samaritans by emailing jo@samaritans.org. The average response time is 24 hours