What Kwasi Kwarteng said to Tory conference – and what he really meant

What Kwasi Kwarteng said: What a day. It has been tough.

What he really meant: Unaccustomed as I am to being chancellor.

What he said: But we need to focus on the job in hand. We need to move forward. No more distractions. We have a plan, and we need to get on and deliver it.

What he meant: We are going backwards. The plan is in ruins. My job is to try to rescue a few shreds of my reputation and get through the next 20 minutes without crying.

What he said: But first, welcome back to Birmingham. This is a remarkable city. It has a history of great brilliance. Joseph Chamberlain in the 19th century was an extraordinary civic leader.

What he meant: Joseph Chamberlain was an extraordinary politician who split both major parties. Liz Truss and I are splitting only one, so far.

What he said: For too long our economy has not grown enough. The path ahead of us was one of slow, managed decline.

What he meant: Boris Johnson was a terrible prime minister.

What he said: I refuse to accept that the tax burden reaching a 70-year high is somehow inevitable. It isn’t, and it shouldn’t be.

What he meant: We shouldn’t have spent so much on schools, hospitals and furlough.

What he said: Higher growth is the only way to deliver opportunities, jobs, higher wages and, crucially, to deliver that revenue to fund our precious public services.

What he meant: That is why my first action was to give away £45bn a year of that revenue, and to let our precious public services go hang.

What he said: With economic growth, everybody benefits, and I mean everybody.

What he meant: But I don’t mean they all benefit at the same time. Some people may have to wait for the benefits to is there another phrase for trickle down?

What he said: People should keep more of the money they earn. I don’t need to tell you that. I don’t need to tell you that. I don’t need to tell you that.

What he meant: Bankers should have bigger bonuses and keep more of them. The little people can keep a little more of the little that they earn too.

What he said: I can be frank. I know the plan put forward only 10 years – er, days ago has caused a little turbulence. I get it. I get it. We are listening, and have listened. And now I want to focus on delivering the major parts of our growth package.

What he meant: Those parts that Michael Gove, Grant Shapps and Maria Caulfield will let me keep. Please?

What he said: We couldn’t simply do nothing.

What he meant: That would have been better, on reflection, but it is too late now.

What he said: We will forge a new economic deal for Britain, backed by an ironclad commitment to fiscal discipline.

What he meant: We will borrow more money for tax cuts. The Office for Budget Responsibility will point out that this has never worked. But I have ironclad certainty that they are wrong.

What he said: We will have a strong fiscal anchor, with debt falling as a proportion of GDP over the medium term.

What he meant: We will pass legislation defining the medium term as 200 years.

What he said: Today we face new challenges, and in addressing those challenges, we will act in a fiscally sustainable and responsible way.

What he meant: Today I have U-turned on the most unpopular measure in my Budget, and I now turn to my attempt to save the other fiscally unsustainable and irresponsible measures.

What he said: There is no path to higher economic growth without fiscal sustainability.

What he meant: Well, I know that now. Bear with me while I try to do the sums again.

What he said: Conservatives have always known this, and we know it still.

What he meant: Some of us worked this out late last night and had to get up to do a media round at 7.30 this morning.

What he said: There are too many rules for small business owners who want to take on an apprentice. When Britain’s risk-takers are held back, so is Britain.

What he meant: I was held back as a prisoner in the government that has been running this country for 12 years.

What he said: That is why we will review, replace or repeal retained EU law holding our country back.

What he meant: Our business should be strangled by British red tape, not EU red tape.

What he said: We will get out of the way, to get Britain building and on its feet.

What he meant: The government will resign and make way for a new government with an actual mandate from the voters.

What he said: Rather than bashing business, we are backing it. That is why we need to make our tax system simpler, more competitive and pro-growth.

What he meant: I have given up trying to make our tax system “simpler”, because it turned out that so many Conservative MPs hated it.

What he said: When we came to government, don’t forget, we were met with the full force of Labour’s incompetence. No money left, taxes raised, record unemployment.

What he meant: When they come to government, they will meet the full force of our incompetence. No money left, taxes raised, record borrowing.

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What he said: We believe in low tax, high growth and fiscal discipline. We are Conservatives.

What he meant: Well, one out of three will do. Other Conservative beliefs are available.

What he said: Yes, we have challenges to face. But our plan will take this country forward. We will get this country moving.

What he meant: We will get this country moving towards a Labour government faster than any of you believed possible.