Top tip for men dating women this year: Be more Ken

About a third of the way into Barbie, Ryan Gosling’s Ken tries to persuade Barbie to let him come along on her adventure. He has, he explains, made a bet with (another) Ken and the thought of losing face is panic inducing. “You can’t make me look uncool in front of Ken,” he pleads. When Barbie replies, exasperated, “Ken’s not cool!” he turns his head away. Eyes down to hide the stricken look on his face, he mutters: “He is to me.”

For all his airheadedness, Ken’s struggle to balance bravado with the intense insecurity that comes with trying to live up to a masculine stereotype clearly struck a nerve last summer, with many calling him the “real” star of the movie, sadly snubbed at last night’s Golden Globes.

Gosling himself became something of a darling in 2023 as he carried this guileless “Kenergy” through his interviews and even onto the red carpet. So, right on cue, dating app Bumble has tipped “open-hearted masculinity” as a major trend for 2024.

This isn’t entirely based on vibes. Apparently, a quarter of the men surveyed globally by the app said that they had actively changed their behaviour, becoming open and vulnerable with people they’re dating. And a quarter of those said this new approach had had a positive impact on their mental health. I’m happy for them. But it would be naive to imagine that this is going to lead to a huge change in the dating experience.

Vulnerability, as Brene Brown wrote in her seminal 2012 book on the subject (fans of hers include Meghan Markle and Prince Harry), is not necessarily about being more sensitive (even if, like Ken, you know that crying is not a sign of weakness). It’s not about empathy either.

Lord knows, my friends and I have encountered enough softbois to know that one can be incredibly “open” about one’s own feelings without ever stopping to enquire or even consider the feelings of someone else. And, while vulnerability certainly requires self-awareness, it doesn’t promise certainty. Indeed, acknowledging uncertainty and being prepared to take a risk is arguably the more vulnerable course of action.

For people who date men, it’s tempting to imagine “open-hearted masculinity” will automatically lead to more candour and clarity around their needs, desires, capacity, and expectations. But it is equally vulnerable to admit you’re not sure what you’re looking for, that you’re figuring it out as you go along. Likewise, vulnerability doesn’t always manifest as “clear, honest communication”. Sometimes it’s just allowing yourself to be a bit messy.

I know what you’re thinking. That doesn’t sound like much fun. But it’s also not much fun fronting. Pretending you know what you’re doing, that you’ve got this, that you’re in control, is draining. It’s precisely this pressure to keep the upper hand at all times, to never admit to uncertainty or error, that leads to things like ghosting and orbiting, not to mention bad sex. Letting our guard down is not just how we grow as individuals, it’s also how we connect with one another.

It can’t guarantee compatibility, mind you. As Ken showed us, open-heartedness doesn’t necessarily lead to romantic success. But that’s kind of the point. If we want the people we date to be authentic and vulnerable, we – and they! – have to get comfortable with the prospect of rejection. It isn’t seamless either. Vulnerability takes effort. I’ve worked up the courage to be outstandingly authentic on a date, only to crumble afterwards and feel completely unable to articulate what I want or how I feel over text.

Still, I applaud anyone making attempts to be more authentic, more open hearted. It not only leads to more meaningful connections, it genuinely feels so much better. But it’s important to understand that this is not an overnight fix. In the real world, stepping out of our emotional comfort zone takes time, and there’s zero choreography. If we want in on this trend, we also need to be prepared to be patient with one another.