Give Starmer a break – who cares if he gets free Arsenal tickets? (I don’t…)

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When we see someone writhing helplessly on the horns of a terrible dilemma, before we condemn them for being so careless, we should ask ourselves: what would we do in their position?

Spare a moment’s contemplation, then, for Sir Keir Starmer. He has been “slammed”, as we journalists say, for taking some no doubt lavish hospitality at the Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal FC.

The prime minister has been under sustained scrutiny this week over his apparent fondness for freebies – work clothing worth £16,200, designer spectacles worth £2,485 – and is facing a potential investigation after failing to declare clothing donations made to his wife.

He has also been forced to defend accepting the free use of a hospitality box at Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium, worth more than £8,000 a match.

The prime minister pleads that he can’t go and sit in the stands with the rest of the Gooners, because he might get assassinated, or at least some funny looks. But if he weren’t prime minister, he’d just be another perennially disappointed Arsenal fan.

In a series of interviews with BBC local radio stations yesterday, he said: “I’m not going to ask the taxpayer to indulge me to be in the stands when I could go and sit somewhere else, where the club and the security say it’s safer for me to be […]. I think most people would say, well, that’s a perfectly sensible arrangement.”

It made me wonder what I might do if I had to face the terrible choice of being His Majesty’s first minister and never being able to watch Leicester City lose to a frankly inferior side at the King Power Stadium ever again, for that is the reality.

In my little reverie, King Charles asks me if I am able to form an administration in his name – and I’m forced to reply that I could only do that if I’m guaranteed access to the relative safety of the Gordon Banks Lounge. There, for just £240 per head (which I won’t be paying), I can enjoy the warmest of welcomes, including padded match seats on the third floor in the West Stand; two-course buffet; half-time refreshment; a Leicester City legend as my matchday host; complimentary City matchday magazine; and a cashless bar facility.

If the King thinks that’s OK and the management at the KP can oblige, then a great reforming government with five missions and a 10-year plan can steer this great country to a social democratic future. That’s not such a bad deal, is it?

So I’m with Keir on this one. The objection to Starmer taking this particularly freebie, which it undoubtedly is, is that even if nothing corrupt takes place (which feels unlikely), his judgement on matters of policy will inevitably be clouded, even subconsciously, by the champagne, the infamous prawn cocktail sandwiches and the gourmet scotch egg shoved under his nose.

The role of the new football regulator, for example, might crop up in conversation with boss man Stan Kroenke, if he’s around, with other Arsenal executives or just random wealthy fans. If so, then that’s all to the good. It would be positively healthy for Starmer to hear at first hand some different perspectives about the government’s plans, and to listen to what some very interested parties have to contribute to the debate. It doesn’t mean he has to do what such lobbyists might ask him to do, but it does mean he’s a bit better informed.

I would hope that if he has the opportunity to attend some of Arsenal’s matches with lower league clubs, he’d take an interest in what, say, Newport County or Walsall think about developments in the way the game is run.

There is, in other words, nothing wrong with lobbying, even if it has a slap-up meal or a day at the races attached to it, which it usually doesn’t. Ministers and civil servants should hear from every side when they’re developing new laws and regulations, so they better understand the implications.

As it is, every single day, they get approached by everyone from the fox hunters to the car trade to the British Medical Association. The only problem in any of this is if the benefits in kind or party donations are kept secret, or if they unduly influence the work of the government.

I would imagine that at his next match, Starmer will spend more time discussing captain Martin Ødegaard’s injured ankle than his government’s forthcoming bill to establish an independent football regulator. But even if conversation did stray into policy, he’d listen carefully, make his own mind up – and probably leave it to Lisa Nandy to sort out.

Should the prime minister get the chance to make it up the M1 for Arsenal’s clash with the Foxes on 15th February, we’d make him feel at home. He can have a Chang and a Piglets Pantry Red Leicester sausage roll on us at half-time – and we promise we won’t ask for any special favours.